By Haley Lachnidt

I asked people who identify with the LGBTQ+ community what they wish their families would or wouldn’t have said when they came out, and these were the responses:

“If my parents would have shown a little bit of support it would have made a world of difference. Instead, they took away all of my possessions that made me happy, they bullied and beat me. Now, they can’t understand why I can’t get close to them. I just wanted to be accepted. Now they tell me they don’t believe I’m really bisexual.”

“I wish my mom would have said something, anything at all. I wish my dad would have told me that he still loved me, rather than telling me I was going to fail at every relationship for the rest of my life.”

“I wish they didn’t tell me what I was doing is disgusting.”

“I just wish my sister wouldn’t have said ‘you just left an abusive relationship, you aren’t gay, it’s just a phase,’ not realizing I’ve been gay my whole life. I just hid my sexuality and forced myself to wear a straight mask in order to survive our family. My parents were the only people that didn’t know, and when I finally got the guts to tell them, my mom couldn’t shut up about how my brother is dating ‘a bisexual’ and how disgusted she is by it. I wish I could hear ‘I just want you to be happy, I love you no matter what.’ I know I will never hear that from my family, so I always make sure I say it to my own son.”

“I wish my mom hadn’t acted accepting and then requested I leave my identity at home when she’d invite me over. I wish she had the decency to say what she really wanted to say about it when I came to her the first time, instead of pretending and giving me false hope that I’m still accepted.”

“I wish my father hadn’t said I need therapy and would have accepted me along with all of my friends.”

“I haven’t told my family. I have known I’m gay since I was 11 years old and I have not told anybody. I did try to tell my mom when I first discovered it, and she questioned me like she didn’t believe me or trust in the fact that I know who I am attracted to. She’d go behind my back talking to my friends about how my taste in men has always been feminine men, but she’d also say it was only a phase. She acted accepting to my face, but I could see in her eyes and in the things she’d say behind my back that she didn’t mean it. I’ve hinted it towards the rest of my family but I also listen to the things and the slurs they openly say when talking about the LGBTQ community. I don’t think I will ever tell them. I know if I did I wouldn’t have a family anymore, and that’s the loneliest feeling in the world. I just wish I could have a family, even if they don’t understand it, I wish they would just accept me as their family no matter who I love. I wish I didn’t have to feel like a stranger and an outsider in my own family anymore.”

“I wish my dad would’ve started using my chosen name and pronouns. I wish he wouldn’t have made me out to be the bad guy, like me being who I am was causing him pain.”

“I have been lucky. My mom has been absolutely lovely. I actually got this text from her the week after I told her. She had bought a decorative pillow with hearts in the shape of a rainbow and told me ‘bought you something, I love you for who you are.’ She asked some questions that you generally shouldn’t ask, but she gets a pass because I want her to ask me anything if it can help her to understand. She’s supportive, it’s just still new to her. I also got a text from my aunt after I spent a weekend with her and told her I have a girlfriend. She essentially said she will always be the leader of my fan club because I’m her girl, I’m me no matter who I love, and that the whole family will always love me for me, no matter what.”

LGBTQ youth want nothing more than to be loved and accepted by their family. Family is the most important thing no matter who you love or who someone else in your family loves. When anybody, part of the LGBTQ+ community or not, has family on their side, facing the rest of the world becomes a lot easier than it would be without family. 

LGBTQ youth face many challenges from the rest of the world. Challenges such as bullying, harassment, discrimination, stalking, and even trouble finding jobs or being allowed to participate in extracurricular activities at school, and the only reason for this hatred is because of who they can’t help but love. 

With family on their side, the risks LGBTQ youth face as a consequence of harrassment and discrimination such as self-harm, suicide, mental illness, homelessness, and substance abuse can greatly decrease. 

Hate does not counteract love. Love conquers all.

Photo by Jiroe (Matia Rengel) on Unsplash

By Annette T. Durfee

Here’s a riddle for ya:  What doesn’t cost a cent, is non-fattening, and we literally NEED it to survive?  If you guessed a HUG, you are right!  Yes, a good old-fashioned hug!  Can you believe it?  Something so simple as a hug is actually a necessary part of our survival as human beings.  The reason for this is that when we hug or are hugged our body releases oxytocin (a hormone that reduces that stress producing hormone cortisol).  So, the more hugs we have, the better we can handle the stresses life throws in our path. In fact, Psychotherapist Virginia Satir found out that we literally NEED 4 hugs a day, just to survive, 8 hugs for our maintenance, and for 12 hugs a day for growth!

Just how powerful is a hug anyway?  If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then it might not surprise you that 12 hugs a day might just do the trick as well.  Medically speaking, a 10 second hug has a powerful effect on our health.  It not only does wonders by lowering blood pressure, but it can fight fatigue and infections, improve your immune system, and ease depression.  And if that is not enough, hugs have a positive effect on child development and IQ, and actually boost their self-esteem as well as their ability to project self-love as an adult.  I like the sound of that! 

 The very thought of all of those great benefits makes me hope that we will say . . .

Hug O’War

I will not play at tug o’ war.

I’d rather play at hug o’ war,

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs,

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses,

And everyone grins,

And everyone cuddles,

And everyone wins

                       –Shel Silverstein

Well, I like winning, don’t you?  And I like having my children win.  And if it means that I get to smother them with hugs and kisses, then so be it!  In some wonderful way that we may not fully comprehend, hugs have the power to invisibly heal and lift.  We might even call hugs our secret weapon to helping our children feel special and loved!  With or without a word, a hug says, “You are so wonderful!  I’m so glad you’re mine!”  In times of stress, they communicate, “I’m here for you.”  “Let’s work together.”  When our children are sad, a hug reaches out and says, “I feel your pain,” or after a conflict, “Let’s start over.”  And don’t forget the times of rejoicing, “I can’t believe this!  You are SO amazing!”

We probably don’t have to worry too much about getting in our quota of hugs for the day. I believe that most of these will come naturally.  We’ll greet our children in the morning with an “I’m so glad to see you” hug and enfold them in love with a “you’re the best” hug before they go to sleep.  We’ll give them a quick “wishing you a happy day” hug on their way out the door and an “I’m SO glad you’re home” hug when they return.  We’ll remember a “Hope you feel better soon” hug to sooth the sickies and an “I’m sorry” hug to help mend a quarrel.  And at any moment throughout the day, we’ll slip in a “how are you doing?” hug and or an impromptu heart to heart “You are a joy in my life!” hug. 

One way or another, we’ll wrap our arms and our hearts around our families, we’ll let our words match our actions, and we’ll let them know that rain or shine, they are the best thing that ever happened to us – a true win-win, and all thanks to our secret weapon.

Photo by Jonathan on Unsplash

By Esperanza DeLaLuz

“I am just a mom.” I hurt when I hear someone say that! Mothers do the most important job on earth when they raise healthy, happy, productive children. Abraham Lincoln, our great president, said, “All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”

What not everyone knows is that the angel mother to whom he refers is actually his stepmother. His birth mother died when he was nine and, the following year, his father remarried. Sarah had children of her own, yet she was a loving and devoted mother to all of the children, and she especially nurtured Abraham in his desire to learn and read. 

This is a comforting thought to those of us who are stepmothers, aunts, foster moms, and grandmothers, or who are in other positions of nurturing. The task of mothering is not only the province of those who give birth. To “mother”—which is defined as “to look after kindly and protectively”—is incredibly demanding, and just as incredibly—and critically—important. To mother is a noble task and those who participate in it, to any extent, are doing a great and valuable work.

However, in the midst of diapers, tantrums, mischief, and defiance, it may be a challenge to feel that one is engaged in a noble task. Often it feels like we are in “survival mode.” Roseann Barr once joked that if her children were alive at the end of the day, she had done her job as a mother. 

I know for every mother there are days which feel like that. On those days, it can help to remember Abraham Lincoln’s feelings about his “angel mother,” and recognize that someday it may be your influence that sways the world. 

The next time you are deciding whether to scrub the crayon mural off the wall or frame it, remember Sarah Bush Johnston Lincoln, and mother on!

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only—and that is to support the ultimate career.”  

 —C. S. Lewis 

Today when this world is so often in chaos, it is critical to remember what is important and what lasts. Too often the world, in general, demeans the role of homemaker. It sends the message that being a homemaker is what you do when you aren’t smart enough, strong enough, driven enough, or educated enough, to work outside the home. And that is clearly not the truth. 

Making a home is much more than cooking, cleaning, and washing—you can hire those things out, if you have enough money. But you can’t pay someone to be your child’s mother. You can hire a babysitter, even a nanny who becomes devoted to your child—but that child is still your child, and no one can love that child as you do, with love that is visceral, concrete, and unshaken. 

Homemaking is two words: home + making—making an environment where the people you love are able to grow and dream and feel safe. “There’s no place like home!” “Home is where the heart is!” Homemaking is creating a haven, a breathing space, and a refuge from the world. Homemaking is helping children build relationships with family, including parents, siblings, and God.

Being a mother has challenges; it is not a job for the weak or the lazy or the selfish… But women like me who have tendencies towards those things still become mothers — and then we see the miracle of how much motherhood helps us improve when those tendencies interfere with the well-being of our children! Suddenly, selfishness evolves into selflessly getting and doing and being whatever your child needs! Laziness is converted into opportunities to cuddle and sing, read stories and rock your little one to sleep. And weakness—well, legends are told of how weak women become tigresses on behalf of their children with no advance planning — it just happens in the moment of need!

So, making a home for your children—your family—that is comforting, safe, and clean is nice, but it’s secondary to the love you have for your family. You do it because your family needs it—and hopefully they appreciate it (and learn to help)—but loving comes first. So, when you stress about how little housework (or ANY other kind of work, really) you have managed to get done because you have spent your time mothering instead, think of this charming little poem:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ‘til tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we’ve learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep. 
I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.

Photo by Trung Nhan Tran on Unsplash

By Emily Perl Kingsley, included in the Washington State School for the Deaf newsletter

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like you’re planning a vacation to Italy. You’re all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your bags and head for the airport.

Only when you land, the stewardess says, “Welcome to Holland.” 

You look at her in disbelief and shock saying, “Holland? What are you talking about? I signed up for Italy!”

But she explains there’s been a change of plans, that you’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

“But I don’t know anything about Holland!” you say. “I don’t want to stay!”

But stay you do. You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases and you meet people you never knew existed. The important thing is that you are not in a slum full of pestilence and famine. You’re simply in a different place than you had planned. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy, but after you’ve been there a little while and you have a chance to catch your breath you begin  to discover that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts.

But everyone else you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They’re all bragging about what a great time they had there and for the rest of your life, you’ll say, “Yes, that’s what I had planned.” 

The pain of that will never, ever go away. 

You have to accept that pain, because the loss of that dream, the loss of that plan, is a very, very significant loss. 

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland.

By Samantha Allred

When my daughter was only a few weeks old, my husband and I were both exhausted, frustrated, and struggling to adapt to our new lives as parents. One day, I began scrolling through social media and was bombarded with posts about the COVID-19 pandemic. I began to feel overwhelmed with negativity and fear until I came across a video from one of my favorite comedians. I watched the video and laughed until I cried. I felt an enormous sense of relief. Like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I physically felt like I had more energy, and I mentally felt a renewed sense of hope and motivation.

This experience taught me about the importance of laughter. Life is full of difficult circumstances that can easily take over our lives and make us feel bombarded with negativity. However, laughter is strong medicine and has the power to replace those negative feelings with hope and light. It lightens your burdens, inspires hope, and strengthens your relationships. 

The goal is to find a way to incorporate humor and laughter into the fabric of your life, finding it naturally in everything. If you are struggling with this, you can start by listing what you are grateful for to help you consider the positive aspects of your life, and spending time with fun people who routinely find humor in everyday events, because laughter is contagious. 

Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash