By Stephanie Simmons
Has this phrase ever passed through your thoughts? As the frustrations of motherhood boil up and, yet again, your kid is cutting and rude to you, it is easy for negative thoughts of failure to surface. Or perhaps you are just overwhelmed with all of the hats you wear as a mother, the endless things that need to be done. You see the friends around you, some with younger kids, some with older ones, and they seem to have it all together. Their kids seem to get along and listen to them when they are asked to do something. They respond so lovingly and patiently to their kids. The kids all seem so smart and happy, so your friends must be doing something right that you are not doing yourself. How do they do it, day in and day out? And how do they make it seem so easy? They must just be good at it and you are not. Sound familiar? Well, stop right there! We see a small snippet of the lives of the people around us and then we take that snapshot and blow it up to be the entire picture of their lives, seeing the happy and good moments, but it is not the whole picture. And we compare ourselves to that. That fiction that we think others are living and we want but do not have.
I find that some of the most important things in life are hard to obtain and maintain. They take effort and there is opposition in the pursuit. And that opposition and effort/sacrifice are exactly what is needed to help the thing be meaningful and valued. There is great opposition to motherhood. There is great sacrifice in motherhood. There needs to be great effort put forth to make families work. Some of the opposition to motherhood is external and some is internal (in our minds).
I remember after I had a couple of kids, I was talking with another woman when she was deciding whether or not to have kids, the discussion led to pros and cons of motherhood. And I realized that if you list out on paper the contrast of pros and cons, it might not look so appealing to become a mother. There are plenty of logical reasons not to start or increase a family. But the weight of the pros to having children far outweighs the cons. If you could place a point value to the line item on your list, the points on the pro list would be greater than the points on the con list. It is important to focus on those positives and remember them often. What are your reasons for being a mother? What do you want motherhood to look like?
When I was younger, I always wanted to be a mother when I grew up. I enjoyed being around kids. I was a good babysitter. I was the fun and favorite aunt. I became a mother and assumed I would naturally just be good at it. Not so. I worked a full-time job as an accountant before I became a mother. When our first child came, I was ready to quit there and start in the part of life I had always wanted. I became a full-time mother and that is when I learned that this is not an easy role to fill! For some reason, I was not aware of how hard it actually was. I sometimes think about how, as an imperfect person with many weaknesses, I am now responsible for teaching my kids how to be better than I am. My weaknesses get thrown back in my face constantly. In fact, some weaknesses I thought I had overcome from my youth (a short temper and lack of patience being a couple), are very much still a part of me. I will be “getting my kid in trouble” for something that he saw me do… and that is frustrating for me.
It is interesting to see the different phases in motherhood when looking back. You don’t realize them until you move into another phase. I can look back to see the things I have learned and realize I have so much more to learn. It is important to remember that you aren’t yet done being “cut out” as a mom. All of life is a process of improving, learning, and becoming. Motherhood is the same. We are mothers the moment we have children, or are responsible for the nurture and influence of a child, but we are not yet cut out, or finalized. Just because we have children doesn’t make us the finished product of a “mother.” We are still in the process of being cut out of that paper. The scissors are still moving around, creating that shape. Don’t give up, and don’t give in to those negative thoughts telling you that you can’t do this. It is a lot of sacrifice and effort, but you CAN do it! Keep trying, one snip at a time.
Photo by Krzysztof Maksimiuk on Unsplash