Council from the CouncilMoms

Hushing the Mayhem with Music

By Annette T. Durfee

Snuggled up in my arms, my little grandson stares up at me with his big beautiful innocent eyes. Together we rock back and forth in the overstuffed chair singing song after song and I’m convinced that I love him more every second! As I sing, my mind wanders back to yesteryear when my babies were tiny and I sang song after song to them – hoping to relax them and hush their sleepytime fears. Hoping to instill in them the things I knew were true. Hoping to fill their hearts with the love that I had for them.

It’s amazing how magical music can be! Music has a way of touching our hearts and filling our memories with the best things of life.

Music was at the heart of the home I grew up in, so naturally, as an adult, I shared it with my children. We sang lilting lullabies and fun children’s sing-along recordings. We also offered xylophones, harmonicas, recorders, and rhythm instruments for the little ones to explore creating their own sounds.

As a classical musician, I knew the benefits of classical music: an increased learning capacity, creativity, and self-esteem, to name only a few. Knowing that our children weren’t going to grow up on a farm (like my parents did), we still wanted to teach them hard work, patience, and discipline. We decided to instill these values through formal music lessons! Thus, we became the beneficiaries of practice sessions, morning-noon-and-night! We eagerly attended recitals and concerts galore! Music sweetly and simply lent a soothing atmosphere to our home and even our car, as we traveled to and fro.

Music became a parenting friend that would quiet the mayhem of the moment. When life became a little hairy and scary and the decibel level was a little too high, I would nonchalantly pop in a CD of classical music or church hymns (my secret weapons!) and – voila! – an essence of calm and peace would descend! Soon, things would settle down.

With a house full of rambunctious kiddos, we found that with a little creativity, there seemed to be a song for every situation that could gently persuade, teach, or motivate. Songs to make diaper changes more pleasant, songs to make hair washing less scary, songs to help children cooperate when it was time to brush their teeth. Sometimes songs distracted us from the mundane and helped to pass the time while we did the dishes or other chores. At bedtime, songs even helped us march up to bed in a happy way! We became a train connecting arms at the shoulders and chugging up the stairs singing, “Choo choo choo, what’s coming down the track?” The person in the lead would “pull the whistle” and up we went.

Music was an unseen friend that added joy and spontaneity to our lives at just the right time! Sometimes the music was a toe – tapping “Turkey in the Straw” for a Thanksgiving program! Or the girls would make up choreography to a whimsical children’s song, their fancy dresses swirling in a wide circle. Sometimes a child surprised us with an unsolicited solo of a kindergarten-melody as they stood atop a make-shift stage (aka a chair in the dining room). And impromptu Family Talent Shows gave us rousing marches, emphasized by mini flags in the front room!

With littles on the loose, life is more pleasant with a song in your heart. In your home or on the go, music has the power to create a sort of a haven that smooths the creases of chaos and lifts the spirit. So, whether your family chooses to learn an instrument or two, sing at top volume in the shower, or pop in a favorite CD, music is the power to make any moment a happy one!

Photo by Colin Maynard on Unsplash

What Can Goldilocks Teach Us about Parenting?

By Allison Marquina

As mothers, we want to do what is best for our children. We want to do our best to help them become the best versions of themselves so that they can experience happy and successful lives. We also know every child is different. When it comes to parenting techniques, what works for one child might not work for another. We might think we’ve figured out nap time but then our next child comes around and all the sudden the book, song, bed combination doesn’t work. This can be frustrating. However, there are principles that we as mothers can rely on to help guide us no matter the child. One way to look at these principles is through the well known fairytale, Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Goldilocks finds herself in an empty home. As she explores, she tries the bears’ porridges, their chairs, and even their beds. Each time she experiences two different extremes until she finds “just right.” One porridge is too hot, the other is too cold, the last is just right. One bed is too hard, another too soft, the last is just right. The same can be said about different parenting styles.

Generally, there are considered to be three parenting styles. Authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative: too hard, too soft, and just right, in that order.

The “too hard” or “too hot” parenting style is referred to as authoritarian. This parenting style stems from a desire to control our child and their behaviors. This is the “because I said so” technique where rules are valued and prioritized and where there is not a lot of open communication with the child. Unfortunately, this parenting style can lead to children becoming more aggressive, having low self-esteem, not very self-reliant, and even rebellion as they grow older (https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritarian_parenting_style).

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the “too soft” version, which is called permissive parenting. This is when parents show lots of love and affection for their children, but there are not a lot of boundaries or enforcement of rules. Though these children do tend to have higher self-esteem, they often lack responsibility, tend to be more selfish, and are more likely to experience anxiety and depression (https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/permissive_parenting_style).

We want a good balance, the “just right” parenting style. This is referred to as authoritative parenting. An authoritative parent has reasonable expectations for their children while also encouraging them to be independent and make their own decisions that are developmentally appropriate. There is a lot of love and open communication while also setting limits and boundaries. When we do our best to implement this type of parenting, our children are more likely to be responsible, able to manage their emotions, have high self-esteem, and are happier (https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritative_parenting_style).

As you are trying your best to be the mom your child deserves, remember to give grace and forgiveness to you and your child. There will be times when you aren’t the best version of yourself and there will be times that no matter how good of a parent you are, your child will do what they want to do. Just do your best and remember that “tomorrow is another day” (Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchel).

Click the link to download the handout: Parenting Techniques Handout

Photo by David Brooke Martin on Unsplash

Two Minute Mom Tips

Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to YUMMIFY your mothering experience.

That’s right — today’s tip is yummy! It’s one of my favorite smoothie recipes called Cuppa Reese’s…

It doesn’t actually have any Reese’s in it, so maybe I’m breaking some kind of trademark laws… But it does have chocolate and peanut butter in it, so really I am honoring the genius of the Reese’s people by naming this concoction after their incredible delectable combination of ingredients.

Two things separate my recipe from the Reese’s product:

First of all: It’s drinkable!

Secondly: It’s good for me! And for You!

The first ingredient in all my smoothies is spinach… I hide it in my food to help myself get more of this superfood goodness and (cross my heart) I do not notice the flavor when mixed with all the other yummies…

So, stuff a handful or two of fresh spinach (so we’re strong to the finish!) down into the bottom of the blender. Here’s a hint: you can buy fresh spinach and, after washing it, throw it in the freezer since you’re just going to blend it up into a nice cold smoothie anyway!

Next throw in some frozen Banana Chunks — about 1 and 1/2 banana’s-worth

Add 1/4 cup each of cocoa powder and peanut butter

1 tsp vanilla extract

Now add your favorite milk (I like almond or coconut) — maybe half a cup? Just enough to blend all these ingredients into creamy yummyness.

Gather the kids around for Cuppa Reese’s and they’ll much prefer this method of getting their spinach in their system!

Do you have a favorite smoothie recipe? Share it on our Momivate facebook page! If you’re new to the world of smoothies, add spinach to your grocery list and try it out sometime this week, then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Photo by American Heritage Chocolate on Unsplash

The Value of Schedules and Systems in the Home

By Cindy Thomsen

I am a mom of 3 kids. When my kids were younger, we set up several systems to facilitate our life. I have found that having good routines in place has helped our family tremendously.

Finding meaningful schedules and systems keeps our family household running smoothly, creates structure in our home, prevents many arguments, and gets us through daily tasks quickly and efficiently, thus leaving more time for other things.

Creating regular and consistent schedules and systems in your home will help you feel more successful as a parent. When life gets busy, setting specific routines can help you simplify your workload and elevate your family life, allowing you to feel more control in your everyday family life.

One of my favorite systems that we have in place in our home is our afternoon schedule. When my oldest was in first grade, I really felt like we needed time to do homework, reading, and any other projects and assignments that came up. So we set up a homework area by the kitchen table. When my kids came home from school, the first thing we did was sit down and work on their homework. I made sure that my schedule was open as well so I could be there to help if needed.

Amazingly, within a year or so, it had become such a habit for my kids that when friends would want to play with them right after school, they would tell them they could play after their homework was done. Usually, they still had time to play with friends before dinner. Here is a picture of my kids all doing their homework on the porch. Great way to enjoy the nice day!

What I have learned over the years of following this system is that as teenagers, my kids continued to follow this routine. It is such a part of them now that they still do their homework first as soon as they get home (or first thing in the morning on social distance days). Now, I don’t have to nag them or follow through on their homework, they just do it. This one simple routine has saved us so much stress and potential headaches. It had a major effect on their ability to get good grades and prioritize important things in our lives. I’ve also found that when they have a question, they could ask each other!

I also found that I have really enjoyed this special time after school with my kids. I like to call it my “golden hour” because my kids are super chatty right after they get home from school. Once we get done talking, homework is done quickly and that leaves us more time after dinner to have fun together!

It feels like there are things that always need to be done in our home. These systems will help simplify your life! Setting up specific schedules and systems in your home will allow you to create a home environment that can flow seamlessly, elevating your time together as a family.

Photo by sofatutor on Unsplash

What You Hear is What You Get

Every six months or so, for reasons so far unexplained, my vocal cords go on strike. Maybe it’s something to do with the change of seasons or an unidentified allergy… Whatever it is, I’m left without one of my main mothering weapons… ahem, uh, I mean, tools.

I used to be a yeller and have worked hard over the past 15 or so years to tone down so my kids won’t tune out. The occasional temporary loss of my voice has taught me an important lesson in this sense: volume matters, and lower is better.

During one of these vocal cord vacations, I needed to get my children’s attention and ask a question, but whispering was all I could do. I decided to clap first, then ask the question once I had eye contact with them.

*CLAP* (their eyes look up)

Me, whispering: “We don’t have any leftovers. What would you like for lunch instead?”

Much to my surprise, the child who responded used a whisper, too! Then another child wanted to give their input, and (although this malady of mine is not contagious, I swear) their two cents were given with the same reduced-volume breathiness.

We all looked at each other and started giggling, realizing that the kiddos unnecessary raspiness was simply a matter of “monkey see, monkey do” or more appropo to this situation: monkey hear, monkey speak.

While this particular story is with regards to the volume of my voice, I’ve found its lesson to hold true with regards to a wide range of hearing the echoes of myself as a mother. If I yell too much, so do my kids. If I sing silly songs, so do my kids. If I make excuses too often, so do my kids. If I give compliments, so do my kids. If I take a deep breath and try to stay calm, so do my kids. You’re understanding, right, Mama?

It’s like our maternal voice — again, not just the loud or soft but the content as well — is a hoe digging ruts in the brains of our babies. When their voices start to flow, the forces of gravity dictate that they’ll fall into those ruts and follow our example. Since the whispering incident brought this to my awareness, now I can conscientiously hoe a row that help their voices flow along adding harmony to our home.

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

Sleep – What a Wonderful Word

By Alana Hutchins

Ahhhhhh, it is finally 10:00pm, and time to sleep. Isn’t this how we feel most days dragging ourselves into bed and crawling in between our nice soft covers. We look forward to drifting off peacefully into a rejuvenating slumber that oscillates between soothing dreams and deep-sleep oblivion? Or at least that’s how it would work in the ideal world. Often, the cadence of our slow breathing is interrupted by the sharp cry of an infant or the wail of an unhappy two-year-old. BAHH! Not again! I’m too tired to get out of bed, it’s your turn, honey. Alas, waking up with children is part and parcel of the whole parenting deal. Even if waking up with small things is part of the deal. It is not always ideal for getting a good night’s rest, but falling asleep and sleeping through the night is a skill that has to be learned just like any other activity of daily living.

What about those nights when there is no baby to blame and we still sleep terribly? When the red alarm clock taunts us from the nightstand with yet another hour lost and gone to the void of could-have-been-sleeping, when instead of dreaming we are simply lying there wishing we were sleeping. Around midnight, wishing turns to stressing and all hopes of a being chipper tomorrow evaporate all together.

We are happier and healthier when we are well rested—that is all there is to it. Here are some reasons why:

Our minds are clearer, our concentration and focus better. Scientists think that REM sleep helps remove information that we don’t need, it helps to take out the mental “trash” so to speak.
During deep sleep, our bodies work to repair muscle, organs, and other cells and replace chemicals that strengthen our immune systems start to circulate in our blood.
Sleep helps us process the day, and to sort and store memories into our long term memory banks.
We heal and regenerate during sleep—and children do their best growing.
Heartbeats and breathing slow down, and blood pressure decreases so there is less stress on our organs during sleep. Body temperature drops and our muscles relax.
A lack of sleep alters levels of cortisol, leptin, and ghrelin (hormones that regulate stress, hunger, and fat production), which could cause weight gain.

Tips and Tricks for women who want to be pro sleepers:

Be active or exercise during the day, preferably several hours before bed time, so that your body is tired enough to rest.
Stick to a routine with consistent bedtimes and rising times. On average adults need 7–9 hours of sleep per night.
Turn off all screens and blue lights at least an hour before bed time, preferably two. Keep your phone AWAY from the side of your bed. Dock it downstairs. This is also incredibly important for teens who tend to stay up late texting in bed. Even having blue light on in your room can keep you up at night.
Pray, read, journal, or meditate before trying to go to sleep in order to help your body shift mental gears down. (Avoid reading the news or other stressful items because this might have the opposite effect.)
Keep your room cool and your blankets heavy. A weighted blanket may help you to settle in for the night. Being tucked in is supposed to mimic being enclosed in the womb and should have a comforting effect on your body.
Don’t eat right before bedtime. Bonus: This will also help prevent weight gain.
Try a pair of socks if your feet are cold.
Use a flat or minimal pillow so that your spine is aligned and your airway unobstructed. This may take some adjustment if you are used to sleeping on lots of pillows.
Meditation can reduce insomnia by 50%.
Don’t sleep with children in the same room, if you can help it, and avoid sleeping with a baby or child in your bed. It is a habit that will be difficult to break later on when you want them out of the bedroom.

If you are doing all of these things and still having a hard time falling asleep, you may want to try a warm drink before bed, or a natural supplement like melatonin to help you relax.

Tips and Tricks to help children become pro sleepers:

Have a consistent bedtime each night that is not too late.*
Create a pre-bedtime routine that works for both you and your child. Our personal family routine for younger children is bath, books, brush teeth, say prayers, give hugs, sing a song, then lights out. Your routine may vary from mine, but the important thing is that you have one. Setting expectations is half the battle.
If your child is having a hard time settling down, white noise may help them tune out the rest of the house. (I actually love white noise myself.)
No screens for at least two hours before bedtime.
Do not let them get in the habit of climbing into your bed for comfort. If a child is distressed at night, go to them and see what can be done.
Set firm expectations for getting up at night before consequences set in. “Only once” or “only to use the restroom.” Some children will get up 5–10 times if their parents allow it.
Have a comfort item on hand—favorite stuffed animal or blanket for many children.
Do not let infants and toddlers go to sleep with milk, juice, or formula. This can cause dental problems because the unswallowed milk settles onto the teeth and the bacteria convert the milk sugars into acid which eats away at the teeth. If necessary, give them water in a sippy.
Just like adults, children want to be tucked in, weighted down, or swaddled before bed. This gentle pressure is a signal to your brain to head off to sleep.

Good luck, and sweet dreams!

Groggily yours

*While there is no hard and fast rule, the general guide is toddlers need around 12 hours of sleep a night; children aged 3–6 years old need 10–12 hours; 7- to 12-year-olds need 10–11 hours; and teenagers need around 8–9 hours. You may feel cheated when your child consistently sleeps less than his peers, but the truth is, some kids just don’t need as much sleep to be healthy and feel their best during the day.

Photo by kevin liang on Unsplash

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