Council from the CouncilMoms

Meditation

By Alana Hutchins

A familiar word with an unfamiliar feeling. Over 14% of the U.S. population, and over 5% of children, have tried meditating at one point or another, but not everyone keeps up the practice. There are many different types of meditation, but let’s assume that as a busy mother you don’t feel like you have time for any of them. In a stress- and anxiety-saturated world, it is no wonder people are looking for ways to detox their brains and regain their mental health. Meditation is not new; it is an ancient practice making a modern come back. Meditation can increase relaxation, develop mindfulness, and enhance overall well-being.

Meditation involves the practice of calming the mind and enhancing your senses for improved awareness of an object of focus, usually one’s breathing process. By implementing a series of breathing exercises, the mind and body experience relief from stress and anxiety.

Here are the Facts:

Meditation can reduce insomnia by 50% if you are struggling to get a good night’s rest.
Practicing meditation for only four days can increase your attention span.
Meditation for 6-9 months can reduce anxiety levels.
People who meditate are less likely to suffer from heart disease
Mindfulness meditation relieves back pain by 30%
It lowers blood pressure for 80% of people who practice,
60% of people who practice meditation find that it improves their energy
50% of meditators say it aids in their memory and focus.
Meditation reduces depression relapses by 12%
Mindfulness improves focus and productivity (by up to 120%!), as well as critical thinking and creativity.

If you are just starting out, I recommend you meditate for anywhere from 5-10 minutes a day. You can start with even less. Maybe try it for 1 minute in the morning when you can sit still and relax for that long, then move it to two minutes. This practice should be pleasant and enjoyable, not uncomfortable. Frequency is more important than duration. Maybe 30 minutes total could be an end goal—broken up into two or three sessions during the day. This will take time to develop for most because of our busy lives.

Be clear about the time you will carve out and where you will sit, relatively undisturbed, because it will take discipline and perseverance to make a habit stick. Honor the routine of “same time, same place” to help build your meditation practice. Sit anyway you like, but sitting forward towards the front of your chair will help with the correct posture; back straight, neck relaxed, chin slightly tucked in with your hands loosely on your lap or knees. Be clear about why you want to start meditation and it will help you stick with it. Do you want to feel happier, calmer, more focused, less stressed etc.? There are many online helps for people just starting out with meditation so take a deep breath, get out there—or rather in there—and give it a try! What do you have to lose?

Photo by Sumit Bisht on Unsplash

Can you get high on high fives?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

I took a child psychology class in college. My professor was strongly opinionated, biased towards his own published research, which claimed that the only effective form of discipline is a system of rewards and punishments, that our children are basically like Pavlov’s dogs.

Well, now that I’m a mom, I hereby declare this professor’s viewpoints as oversimplified and incomplete. Instead, I feel that the concepts of Positive Discipline are much more thorough in covering a broader scope of our children’s emotions.

That’s not to say I never use rewards or punishments. I use them a lot — specifically the rewards! And that’s where the two theories coincide, which is a good clue as to the validity of that concept. Over the years of integrating “rewards” into real-life motherhood, I’ve come to realize that high-fives are about all the reward a child really ever needs. Oh, and otter-pops for going pee all by themselves. Tee hee!

Really, though, rather than invest in cavity-causing candy, or in a supply of little toys that later become stifling clutter, I just offer that awesome kid with the good behavior a high-five. And he’s happy, and I’m happy! And I’m not ashamed to mention another compelling fact: slippin’ skin is free.

Palm patting is universally accepted as very valuable — even though it costs nothing. And because it’s free, I can give it freely. As Positive Discipline teaches us: the more, the better.

Other similar rewards include a cheer! a hug! a thumbs-up! a pat on the back! the “A-OK” sign! capturing the moment on the camera! offering to call Daddy or Grandma to report the success! The KIND of positive interaction isn’t nearly as important as how OFTEN it’s offered.

The genuine joy my child sees on my face as we celebrate their victory is infectious — one of the few infections we want to spread.

Moms, try increasing these simple rewards in the lives of your children, then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Photo by Ana Curcan on Unsplash

When Your Child Misbehaves

By Annette T. Durfee

They all do it. You know – that thing that drives you up a wall! No matter the age of your child and in spite of your best efforts, they inherently know exactly what button to push to get us to react. And it seems that the more we push for them to stop it, the more they pull back until the tug of war has escalated and within seconds ruined the sense of peace and beauty that we so desire in our homes. So what do we do? How can we conquer this frustrating behavior that frays at our nerves, fuels our frustration, and tests the limits of our patience? Here are a few ideas that I have found helpful.

Take a break. Sometimes I have found it very helpful to take a few steps back. Retreat into my room for a few minutes – ALONE. Breathe! Regroup. Punch a pillow if it helps! Timeout for Mommy is not only healthy, but a sanity saver! As you remove your presence from the child they also get a chance to recover and try again. And while I take a break, I do what my knees were made for – I PRAY! I have found so often that when mothering moments go awry, I need all the help I can get – I need help from a higher power. For me, this is God. I have found that He is always there – never too busy for me, never burdened by yet another plea for help. I pour out my heart with my worry, frustration, anger, and then, I LISTEN. Sometimes I get an idea – I can see how I could have prevented the situation or how I could react in a better way next time or something simple I could do to help my child. It may not be the entire solution to the problem, but it is enough to get me headed back in the right direction. And as I follow it, I regain confidence and my child and I regain a positive momentum. Other times after prayer, I am left with a simple yet reassuring sense of peace: I can handle this. I’ve got what it takes. I am a good mother. And other times, the answers come along the way as God, my Father in Heaven, who goes behind the scenes, also goes with me and adds to my efforts.
Become curious. Other times, it may help to take a step back and ask, “Why?” Why is my child behaving this way? What could he or she be feeling right now? What things are going on in this stage of their life that could cause this? Is there a little sibling rivalry going on behind the scenes? Is there a new baby that is diverting my attention? Is there something going on at school? I wonder what is hard for them? How do they feel about themselves right now? Is there something I could do or say that would help to redirect their attention to something positive? When we become curious, we open up the door to the possible feelings of our children and we become more compassionate, empathetic, more loving. We can even help them to feel supported by helping them voice their own feelings. “Are you feeling sad, frustrated, lonely? How can I help?”
Model the behavior you want to see. As hard as it may be to believe, it just may be that your child has not thought of a better way of doing things, even despite perpetual broken record pleas from you. They may be in need of a consistent example to follow. Let’s say that your child has developed a habit of running through the house screaming. Although it may make you feel like pulling your hair out and yelling back, muster the mentality to smile and speak with a calm and quiet voice instead. “Let’s use our inside voices.” The important people in our children’s lives are like great big mirrors. What our children see in us, we will also eventually see in them. So, let’s be the best mirrors we can be accompanied with a smile, a hug, and a kiss.
Shaping. Whatever we give our children attention for they will repeat. We already know that our children do the things that drive us bonkers often to get attention. So why not turn it around and use this to our advantage? Rather than handing out negative attention, we could choose to focus on those things that we want to continue and offer praise when we see them. For example, when I wish that the children would not fight and argue, I thank the child at a time when they are being a peacemaker. “I love it when . . .” You fill in the blanks. My mom did this for me once in a simple way that stuck with me. One day she gave me a Mr. Goodbar candy bar with the explanation, “because you’re so good.” I didn’t know about shaping then, but every time I remembered that tasty treat, along with her other caring words and deeds, I felt like I was good and I tried to prove her correct!
Realize that we are not meant to control others. I think I all too often learned this lesson the hard way, scraping the heels of my feet as I skidded along the road of hard-won control. As I struggled to learn a better way, I reflected often on a quintessential quote that I pinned on my Value Board: “Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.” (Thomas S. Monson) Such a beautiful reminder! This thought helped me to remember that the little people in my life were not bad, they were learning, just like I was learning how to mother with love. Our children will inevitably do things that we do not approve of and this is not, I repeat NOT an indicator that we have failed as parents. And while that means that at times we need to discipline, we can leave out the empty threats, arguing, bribery, fighting. Yes, our mission is not to control, but to teach, to influence, set an example, and – the best part of all – love them like crazy!

Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

There are Beans in my Fudge

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

There are beans in my fudge.

Black beans.

In my fudge.

Ya can’t taste ’em. The fudge is still quite fudge-y — *plenty* of sugar… The kids love it. I was even honest with them about the beans, and they didn’t seem worried at all.

I’ve been eating plenty of bean-y fudge, and I can report that there are no gaseous side effects so far!

I’d also like to report an analogy that Beanie Fudge has brought to my mind.

21st century life is sweet!! Sometimes sickeningly sweet (like fudge). We have so many modern conveniences, time-saving devices, luxuries that are so commonplace we don’t even realize they’re luxuries anymore… and entertainment options out the wazoo.

When we hear about life even just one century ago, we moan and groan just thinking about all the work those poor people had to do. Work, after all, is a four-letter word!

Work is like the beans in my fudge… Hey, bean is a four-letter word, too!

The fiber, vitamins, minerals, and protein of beans offer life-sustaining substances amidst the sweetness that corrodes our teeth and disables our immune systems.

Admittedly, there is still approximately four times as much sugar as there are beans in this recipe. Maybe that mirrors our modern-day ratio of play-to-work? Back in our grandparents’ day, it was mostly beans and maybe a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down…

Sometimes, I worry about our current culture of work avoidance, and feel that my duty as a mom is to introduce some beans in friendly ways, maybe disguised a bit in cocoa…

I don’t feel a need to eliminate the “sugar” altogether, but I conscientiously include *some* beans amidst the fudge so that if circumstances change and a reverse ratio of beans to sugar were required, it wouldn’t be a total shock to our systems!

I want to raise my children with both beans and sweetness. Hopefully, just like we’ve happily discovered about Beanie Fudge, this metaphorical equivalent will also be flatulence-free!

Moms, try making Beanie Fudge both in real life and metaphorically, then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

BEANIE FUDGE RECIPE

1 Can of Black Beans — about 1 and 1/4 cups — drained and rinsed
3/4 Cup cocoa — rounded
3/4 Cup butter and/or coconut oil, warm enough to be mostly liquid
4 Cups powdered sugar — scant

NOW CHOOSE A FLAVOR:

2 Tbsps Vanilla
OR 6-8 drops peppermint essential oil
OR 3 Tbsp. peanut butter

PROCEDURE:

Blend in a food processor or blender until smooth & creamy!
Pour onto waxed paper and refrigerate at least 20 minutes before serving.
Keep leftovers in the fridge — if there are any! (Use at room temperature as frosting!)

Photo by Jewel Johnson on Unsplash

What Time Is For

By Esperanza DeLa Luz

“Motherhood is not a hobby; it is a calling. It is not something you do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”

Rachel Jankovic

I always wanted to be a mother. I actually wanted to have a dozen children like in the book “Cheaper by the Dozen” by Frank Gilbraith. There were eight kids in my parents’ family and, to this day, I consider those seven siblings some of the best presents my parents ever gave me. I am blessed to have seven people who are so loyal that I can count on them for any necessity, and now I will never find myself helpless and stranded.

But I am the oldest child. At one point in my life, in my first marriage, it seemed possible that I would find myself a divorced single mother. My babies were 2 years old and six months old. I was looking at having to support myself, and basically being gone so much that someone else would be raising my babies. I could not imagine how I could bear to do that. Because I had seven younger siblings still at home, living in my parent’s home other than temporarily was not an option at that time, and I was devastated. Fortunately, it did not happen, and we worked things out, for the most part. But I still remember the gut-clenching fear I had then.

Part of this was that I had not prepared myself to have any kind of decent paying job, had not finished college, and was not confident that I could even provide for myself, much less two children. I had only ever prepared myself to be a mother. I felt then, and still feel that this is the most important and most rewarding career a woman could ever have. But I also feel that in this present world, a woman who has no options in the event of a death, divorce, or abandonment, has to make terrible choices…

As a mother, then, I encouraged my daughters to at least get enough schooling completed that they did not have to let fear of not being able to provide for themselves convince them to stay in a situation which was dangerous or unhealthy for them or their children. Having a backup career option is just good preparation for motherhood. But I still believe that this preparation should be secondary to the most important work of all.

It is easy for a working mother to fall into the trap of putting the demanding boss, the interesting job, the extra income, as such a high priority, that she delays or limits her opportunities to be a mother. Mothering will always be the highest and holiest calling a woman can pursue. Of course, it may be necessary for survival or just personal sanity to have outside employment. I am not in any way demeaning the choices of those mothers who also work outside the home. There are many women who work and parent successfully. I am constantly amazed at, in awe of, frankly, women who successfully do that.

But I do believe that of the two jobs, mothering is the one that matters. Years from now, it is unlikely that your other job will affect the world anywhere near as much as the job you are doing at home as a mother. So keep on doing what you do and remember it is SO valuable.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Mom’s Secret Ingredient

By Annette T. Durfee

Mom must have been magic! No, really! Everything she touched in the kitchen tasted like gold in your mouth! (well, except for liver and onions – but hey, I’ll forgive her for that!) But seriously – melt-in-your-mouth rolls, warm creamy soups, comforting casseroles, tantalizing roast beef dinner, savory shepherd’s pie…I could go on and on! Just what is it that made Mom’s cooking so great?! Was it the splendor of eating in a palatial hall on bona fide China? Was it that she served a 7- course meal made purely from scratch? Or was it that she spent the entire day slaving away in the kitchen? Hardly! Mom was and still is a fantastic cook and hard worker to boot, but practicality has always been a quality that was surely at the forefront of her mind. I think that you and I both know the real reason for that mouth-watering taste of home: Mom served every meal with a heaping spoonful of her secret ingredient . . . LOVE. Yep! You knew that she loved you when you ate it. I’m quite sure that I didn’t fully recognize it then. In fact, I probably underappreciated her efforts. But regardless, her secret was there – sort of an underlying message that would waft through the kitchen and down the hall, whispering for us to keep coming back – back to the kitchen, back to the table, back to the warmth of her influence – sign, sealed, and delivered with a kiss.

So how do WE do that, Moms? How do we, with limited time and means, and sometimes limited skills in the kitchen, infuse as much love into the process so that even if it’s not their favorite dish, our families KNOW that we love them when they eat it? Here are a few ideas to add to a list of your own fabulous ideas:

Plan ahead – Nothing says “stress” in the kitchen quicker than not having a meal ready when hungry tummies come calling. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the “hangries” and that doesn’t even come close to that warm feeling we are trying to create. So, what can we do to avoid this? Mom took a few minutes each day to prepare the meal – taking the meat from the freezer to the fridge the night before or squeezing in a few minutes in the morning to start the crockpot going. Many moms also plan out meals a week or so in advance so they can add items to the grocery list for a one-stop trip. Let’s see, anything special this week? Andrea’s birthday cake on Friday and the potluck social on Saturday. And of course, we’re really busy on Tuesdays and Thursdays so we need a quick and easy option for those nights. Some families choose to make it simple by assigning a theme to every day – something like: Mondays – Italian, Tuesdays – Taco Tuesdays, Wednesdays – soup or salad, Thursdays – crockpot dinner, Friday – pizza night, Saturday – leftovers, Sunday – sweet and simple. What kind of plan would work best for your family?

Bring along a helper or two – If you’re like just about every mom on the planet, you don’t have a lot of time to spare, so why not engage your mini chefs? That seemed to be the way it was with Mom. We not only felt her love with the delivery of the meal, but she infused an extra sprinkle of love into the meal by including us in the very process. There we were, side by side, where she gave one-on-one instruction on peeling the carrots, shredding the cheese, chopping the bananas, and browning the hamburger, all the while sharing stories and building trust. When my children were small, I tweaked this a little bit. I found it to be more than a little chaotic and unsafe with everyone “helping” in the kitchen all at once. So, I capitalized on their interest and willingness to help at a young age by assigning one child per day to help me with meal prep. With only one child to focus on, I found it was a lot of fun. And if my children made it, they usually ate it too! After a few years, I put them in charge of making one dish for the meal and eventually the entire meal with me there to supervise if there were questions. When time came for them to walk out the door to go to college, they had become great cooks and could really fend for themselves! Now that’s love in your pocket!

Eat together as much as possible – Thinking back to those growing up years with Mom, I realize that it wasn’t so much WHAT we were eating as that we were eating together. Mom not only took time to make it just for us, but then she ate WITH us. That fact helped us feel that we were the most special people in her life. She had time for us. Dinner became a time to linger longer and talk it out. What was funny? What was hard? What did we do when we were little? What did we learn in school? What was important to us now? She learned from us and we in turn learned from her – manners, values, attitudes, beliefs, her life lessons, how to laugh at life, how to get along with each other, and how to tackle the hard stuff that life threw at you.

These are just a few of the little things that strong families are made of and can create a bit of heaven in our homes. In fact, that idea reminds me that one time in her late teens, my youngest sister said, “Do you know what heaven is going to be like? It’s going to be just like this – all of us sitting around a table and visiting and laughing while we enjoy good meals.” Well, I’m all for that – especially if it includes a little homemade pie with ice cream! So, whether it’s a fancy night of chicken cordon bleu or a simple PB&J sandwich, trust that you’ve got that special ingredient right up your sleeve, ready to make any meal a magical memory.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

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