Council from the CouncilMoms

Is it perimenopause?

Spring is here! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bees are humming—and you’re feeling and moving like Suzy the sloth. You ask yourself, Where is my energy? There are a lot of reasons for feeling tired—anything from wacky sleep schedules to lack of motivation. Let me suggest another possibility for your decreased energy. Could it be perimenopause? Wait, what is that?

What is Perimenopause? Menopause?

Perimenopause is the transitional period before menopause. It can last from four to ten years. Some women begin noticing symptoms in their thirties but most women will start the process in their forties. Menopause occurs when a woman does not have a menstrual cycle for twelve consecutive months. Average age for menopause is fifty-one but can occur anytime between ages forty to fifty-eight. Due to medical procedures, some women may undergo menopause early; this is called induced menopause.

Symptoms
During perimenopause, ovaries are beginning to slow down, and less estrogen is produced. Eventually, the ovaries will no longer release eggs, so pregnancy will not be able to occur. This transition causes hormone fluctuations resulting in some of the following common symptoms: hot flashes, night sweats, breast tenderness, migraine headaches, difficulty concentrating, sleep challenges, mood swings, anxiety, menstrual cycle changes, weight gain, loss of libido, etc. Some uncommon symptoms include increased body odor, hair loss, vision changes, cold flashes, increased allergies, increased facial hair. Symptoms may continue until the menopause stage for some women. Due to low estrogen levels during breastfeeding, mothers may feel symptoms that are menopausal-like. Yet, it is possible for a breastfeeding mother to experience perimenopause.

What can you do?
Educate yourself prior to seeking assistance from a medical professional. It is important to be an active participant in your healthcare, and not a spectator. Create a partnership with your chosen medical professional to explore possible treatment plans to address your symptoms.

Prioritize sleep. Create a healthy sleep environment by minimizing or stopping the use of electronics two hours before bedtime.

Know common and not so common symptoms of perimenopause. Not all women experience the same symptoms.

Know your family reproductive history. When did your mother and grandmother experience perimenopause or menopause? You may or may not follow the same pattern.
Improve your nutrition and increase physical activity. It is important to provide your body with essential nutrients during this time of change to reduce chronic disease risk. Moving a little bit everyday helps with potential weight gain and improves your mood.

Seek support from loved ones, a support group or even professional counseling if necessary. You are not alone and it is definitely okay to create the space to process your feelings.

Perimenopause and menopause are natural processes that occur for women and should not be feared. Empower yourselves with information and support so you can become a positive example to other women.

Resources:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/symptoms-causes/syc-20354666

https://www.womenshealth.gov/menopause

A Good Catch!

By Annette T. Durfee

If you look for the good, you surely will find it.
Is that really true? And does it apply to life with our families? I believe it is and it does. But sometimes it is hard to see the good in people. Looking for the good requires that we assume the best in our children and create an atmosphere where they can learn from their choices with as many chances as they need. But we all know that looking for the good is so much easier to say than to actually put into practice because it is easy to see what our children are doing wrong. And negative behavior begs for our attention. So, we have to be conscious of our responses, because, honestly, who wants to be yelled at all day? Not me! It certainly is not motivating and it destroys that feeling of love that we are all trying to achieve, faster than a speeding bullet! So, what can we do instead to foster this idea with our families?
A better idea is to “catch” them doing right! Here are four ways to help us do that. I’m sure you could find more! I would suggest doing one or two at a time so as not to be overwhelmed as well as to add a spark of enthusiasm which generally accompanies something new:

1. Words of Praise: Let’s say that you’d like a peaceful atmosphere in your home and it seems at times like it is anything but that. Try looking for those rare times when they are getting along. We might say something like, “I’m hearing such kind words from the back seat. Thank you!” Or, “Look how well you are getting along! I’m proud of you!” “I like how you’re sharing your toys!” The tricky part is remembering to notice those positive moments. One way to accomplish this is by making a picture in your home hang slightly crooked. Each time you walk by and see it, it becomes a quiet reminder that now would be a very good time to catch your children doing something good!

2. Jar of pom-poms: Choose an area of focus where you’d like to see improvement. It’s even better if you choose it as a family so you have their input and buy-in. We worked as a family at one point to encourage the phrase, “I would love to” when someone, usually a parent, was asking for help with something or reminding them to do a certain chore. What a difference this phrase made as it began to shape our attitudes towards serving each other with love rather than having to be coaxed or begged with a put-out attitude. When the person said the phrase, “I would love to,” they went over to the jar and put in a pom-pom. And when the jar was full (and our hearts were fuller) we all celebrated by going out for ice cream! You might want to do the same thing and change it up a bit depending on your family’s needs.

3. The Family Book of Honor: In my children’s elementary school, they occasionally had assemblies where a few students were chosen to sign the school Book of Honor. We adopted this idea for our family by nominating people at dinnertime to sign the Durfee Book of Honor, and with it, to write down the great deed they did. Although we only did this for a short time, I must admit that it was fun to have a record of so many good deeds. And it created a feeling of warmth in our home, of looking for the good in others, cheering on the achievements of others, and of striving to do well.

4. Family Rewards: While this idea could work well for any number of improvements, I think it is particularly good in raising children to be strong, good, and valiant. The idea is to choose the values that you’d like to emphasize in your family. Make a few certificates and concentrate on one area each week. Maybe you’ll want to announce the winner of the week at a family dinner and post in a place of prominence – perhaps on their bedroom door or bathroom mirror – someplace where they will see it often and be reminded about just how good they are. I can’t remember where I got this idea from. Maybe it was from one of you? And maybe I made up some of them. At any rate, here are the ones I ended up settling on. You might find others that suit your family’s values:

* Self Starter Award: For someone who took the initiative, saw what needed doing and did it without being asked, or went the extra mile without being asked.

* Neat as a Pin Award: For someone who kept their room clean, straightened up, put things in order, etc.

* Leader for the Right Award: For someone who stood up for what they believed, resisted “following the crowd,” tried to influence someone for good, etc.

* Ice Breaker Award: For someone who made a new friend, started an interesting conversation, asked a question, gave a thoughtful compliment to someone, etc.

* What Would Jesus Do? Award: For someone who remembered to ask this question during the week, and, as a result, consciously made a good choice or decision.

* Peacemaker Award: For someone who helped our home to be a place of peace and love. “Blessed are the peacemakers – for they shall be called the children of God.”

Let’s admit it. We all like to be noticed and praised for the good we do. So instead of letting our families flounder by fishing for compliments, let’s strategize and guide our families as we charter new waters together. As we look for the good, we can tackle family problems and with a little love as bait and hook, validate their efforts and reel in a good catch!

Photo by Jayanth Muppaneni on Unsplash

Law of Conservation of Goodness

Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

Here’s a throwback to high school physics: remember the Law of Conservation of Matter? Here’s a little reminder with an illustration

Imagine a glass of milk and chocolate syrup. Mix those together: something has definitely changed, but the amount of total liquid is still the same as before. Even if you drink the milk and the cup appears to be empty, the liquid still exists — it wasn’t destroyed — it just changed places. Nothing was created, nothing was destroyed. Amount-wise, it all stayed the same regardless of the color change or change of place.

Well, unfortunately, I tend to notice a Law of Conservation of Goodness in my life as a mother. I have several areas of my life in which I strive for improvement: getting the laundry done! being patient and calm with my children! exposing my children to good music! including the Lord in my day-to-day life! making nourishing meals! Managing my time so I get some one-on-one time with each of my kids as well as with girlfriends and my ever-lovin’ husband! cleaning out the car! and the list goes on and on and on and on.

So I set goals. And I work towards improvement. But it seems like when I get good at one thing, I get worse at another thing. Dangit! That’s what I mean about the Law of Conservation of Goodness — that it appears I can neither create nor destroy the total amount of goodness in my life. It seems stuck at a constant and just changes form, changes color, changes places, changes which goal it applies to.

However, in all honesty, I’ve determined that this is a FALSE law. Oh, it might apply to energy and matter in physics. But as I am getting old enough now to have a little hindsight, I can see a little success in my attempts to get better, even though it looked like it was balanced out by regression in a neglected area. I am definitely better off than if I hadn’t ever made the attempts. Journaling has allowed me to gain this more accurate perspective, and I recommend this practice to you!

Mom, genuinely give yourself credit for how you’ve gradually improved over the years, and pat yourself on the back, resolving not to get discouraged as the path of progression stretches out to the horizon. Use a journal to record your thoughts. Then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Meditation

By Alana Hutchins

A familiar word with an unfamiliar feeling. Over 14% of the U.S. population, and over 5% of children, have tried meditating at one point or another, but not everyone keeps up the practice. There are many different types of meditation, but let’s assume that as a busy mother you don’t feel like you have time for any of them. In a stress- and anxiety-saturated world, it is no wonder people are looking for ways to detox their brains and regain their mental health. Meditation is not new; it is an ancient practice making a modern come back. Meditation can increase relaxation, develop mindfulness, and enhance overall well-being.

Meditation involves the practice of calming the mind and enhancing your senses for improved awareness of an object of focus, usually one’s breathing process. By implementing a series of breathing exercises, the mind and body experience relief from stress and anxiety.

Here are the Facts:

Meditation can reduce insomnia by 50% if you are struggling to get a good night’s rest.
Practicing meditation for only four days can increase your attention span.
Meditation for 6-9 months can reduce anxiety levels.
People who meditate are less likely to suffer from heart disease
Mindfulness meditation relieves back pain by 30%
It lowers blood pressure for 80% of people who practice,
60% of people who practice meditation find that it improves their energy
50% of meditators say it aids in their memory and focus.
Meditation reduces depression relapses by 12%
Mindfulness improves focus and productivity (by up to 120%!), as well as critical thinking and creativity.

If you are just starting out, I recommend you meditate for anywhere from 5-10 minutes a day. You can start with even less. Maybe try it for 1 minute in the morning when you can sit still and relax for that long, then move it to two minutes. This practice should be pleasant and enjoyable, not uncomfortable. Frequency is more important than duration. Maybe 30 minutes total could be an end goal—broken up into two or three sessions during the day. This will take time to develop for most because of our busy lives.

Be clear about the time you will carve out and where you will sit, relatively undisturbed, because it will take discipline and perseverance to make a habit stick. Honor the routine of “same time, same place” to help build your meditation practice. Sit anyway you like, but sitting forward towards the front of your chair will help with the correct posture; back straight, neck relaxed, chin slightly tucked in with your hands loosely on your lap or knees. Be clear about why you want to start meditation and it will help you stick with it. Do you want to feel happier, calmer, more focused, less stressed etc.? There are many online helps for people just starting out with meditation so take a deep breath, get out there—or rather in there—and give it a try! What do you have to lose?

Photo by Sumit Bisht on Unsplash

Can you get high on high fives?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

I took a child psychology class in college. My professor was strongly opinionated, biased towards his own published research, which claimed that the only effective form of discipline is a system of rewards and punishments, that our children are basically like Pavlov’s dogs.

Well, now that I’m a mom, I hereby declare this professor’s viewpoints as oversimplified and incomplete. Instead, I feel that the concepts of Positive Discipline are much more thorough in covering a broader scope of our children’s emotions.

That’s not to say I never use rewards or punishments. I use them a lot — specifically the rewards! And that’s where the two theories coincide, which is a good clue as to the validity of that concept. Over the years of integrating “rewards” into real-life motherhood, I’ve come to realize that high-fives are about all the reward a child really ever needs. Oh, and otter-pops for going pee all by themselves. Tee hee!

Really, though, rather than invest in cavity-causing candy, or in a supply of little toys that later become stifling clutter, I just offer that awesome kid with the good behavior a high-five. And he’s happy, and I’m happy! And I’m not ashamed to mention another compelling fact: slippin’ skin is free.

Palm patting is universally accepted as very valuable — even though it costs nothing. And because it’s free, I can give it freely. As Positive Discipline teaches us: the more, the better.

Other similar rewards include a cheer! a hug! a thumbs-up! a pat on the back! the “A-OK” sign! capturing the moment on the camera! offering to call Daddy or Grandma to report the success! The KIND of positive interaction isn’t nearly as important as how OFTEN it’s offered.

The genuine joy my child sees on my face as we celebrate their victory is infectious — one of the few infections we want to spread.

Moms, try increasing these simple rewards in the lives of your children, then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Photo by Ana Curcan on Unsplash

When Your Child Misbehaves

By Annette T. Durfee

They all do it. You know – that thing that drives you up a wall! No matter the age of your child and in spite of your best efforts, they inherently know exactly what button to push to get us to react. And it seems that the more we push for them to stop it, the more they pull back until the tug of war has escalated and within seconds ruined the sense of peace and beauty that we so desire in our homes. So what do we do? How can we conquer this frustrating behavior that frays at our nerves, fuels our frustration, and tests the limits of our patience? Here are a few ideas that I have found helpful.

Take a break. Sometimes I have found it very helpful to take a few steps back. Retreat into my room for a few minutes – ALONE. Breathe! Regroup. Punch a pillow if it helps! Timeout for Mommy is not only healthy, but a sanity saver! As you remove your presence from the child they also get a chance to recover and try again. And while I take a break, I do what my knees were made for – I PRAY! I have found so often that when mothering moments go awry, I need all the help I can get – I need help from a higher power. For me, this is God. I have found that He is always there – never too busy for me, never burdened by yet another plea for help. I pour out my heart with my worry, frustration, anger, and then, I LISTEN. Sometimes I get an idea – I can see how I could have prevented the situation or how I could react in a better way next time or something simple I could do to help my child. It may not be the entire solution to the problem, but it is enough to get me headed back in the right direction. And as I follow it, I regain confidence and my child and I regain a positive momentum. Other times after prayer, I am left with a simple yet reassuring sense of peace: I can handle this. I’ve got what it takes. I am a good mother. And other times, the answers come along the way as God, my Father in Heaven, who goes behind the scenes, also goes with me and adds to my efforts.
Become curious. Other times, it may help to take a step back and ask, “Why?” Why is my child behaving this way? What could he or she be feeling right now? What things are going on in this stage of their life that could cause this? Is there a little sibling rivalry going on behind the scenes? Is there a new baby that is diverting my attention? Is there something going on at school? I wonder what is hard for them? How do they feel about themselves right now? Is there something I could do or say that would help to redirect their attention to something positive? When we become curious, we open up the door to the possible feelings of our children and we become more compassionate, empathetic, more loving. We can even help them to feel supported by helping them voice their own feelings. “Are you feeling sad, frustrated, lonely? How can I help?”
Model the behavior you want to see. As hard as it may be to believe, it just may be that your child has not thought of a better way of doing things, even despite perpetual broken record pleas from you. They may be in need of a consistent example to follow. Let’s say that your child has developed a habit of running through the house screaming. Although it may make you feel like pulling your hair out and yelling back, muster the mentality to smile and speak with a calm and quiet voice instead. “Let’s use our inside voices.” The important people in our children’s lives are like great big mirrors. What our children see in us, we will also eventually see in them. So, let’s be the best mirrors we can be accompanied with a smile, a hug, and a kiss.
Shaping. Whatever we give our children attention for they will repeat. We already know that our children do the things that drive us bonkers often to get attention. So why not turn it around and use this to our advantage? Rather than handing out negative attention, we could choose to focus on those things that we want to continue and offer praise when we see them. For example, when I wish that the children would not fight and argue, I thank the child at a time when they are being a peacemaker. “I love it when . . .” You fill in the blanks. My mom did this for me once in a simple way that stuck with me. One day she gave me a Mr. Goodbar candy bar with the explanation, “because you’re so good.” I didn’t know about shaping then, but every time I remembered that tasty treat, along with her other caring words and deeds, I felt like I was good and I tried to prove her correct!
Realize that we are not meant to control others. I think I all too often learned this lesson the hard way, scraping the heels of my feet as I skidded along the road of hard-won control. As I struggled to learn a better way, I reflected often on a quintessential quote that I pinned on my Value Board: “Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.” (Thomas S. Monson) Such a beautiful reminder! This thought helped me to remember that the little people in my life were not bad, they were learning, just like I was learning how to mother with love. Our children will inevitably do things that we do not approve of and this is not, I repeat NOT an indicator that we have failed as parents. And while that means that at times we need to discipline, we can leave out the empty threats, arguing, bribery, fighting. Yes, our mission is not to control, but to teach, to influence, set an example, and – the best part of all – love them like crazy!

Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

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