Council from the CouncilMoms

Five Ways to Handle a Bad Mom Day

By Samantha Allred Anyone who has spent an entire day with kids knows that it can be overwhelming and difficult. Most days are full of laughter, playing, and joy. But some days are full of tears and tantrums – all day long. On those bad days, it is easy to start down a spiral of stress and frustration and those emotions have a huge impact on our kids. That’s why it is important to know how to change your bad days into good days. Here are a few tips you can try the next time you’re having a rough day at home with the kids: 1. Get Outside! If you’re cranky, then the kids are probably cranky too. Dishes and laundry can wait for an hour while you take the kids on a walk or to the park. Let your kids run, soak up some sun, and explore. Being outside is a fantastic mood lifter. 2. Set the Timer for Ten Minutes If you are feeling overwhelmed with a to-do list a mile long, tell the kids you are setting the timer for ten minutes, invite them to help, and do everything you can before the timer goes off. Do the dishes, tidy up, switch the laundry over, take out the trash, sweep the kitchen, or whatever else is an immediate need. You will be surprised at how much you are able to accomplish in a short amount of time. When the timer goes off, stop your chores and focus on your kids. In a few hours, set the timer again. After a few ten minute sessions, hopefully you will have most of your chores done. 3.Talk to Someone Adult relationships in motherhood are so important. Talking to a friend about life can be a great stress reliever. We all require connection to thrive and it can be hard to feel connected when you only talk to tiny humans all day. Make sure you can talk to somebody about your struggles, your hobbies, your current favorite TV show, or whatever else you want! Consider joining a facebook group or a support group for mothers in your area. 4. Listen to some Mood-Boosting Music Music has been proven time and time again to distract us from fatigue and exhaustion, elevate our mood, lessen anxiety, and even improve our health. Play a favorite album, find some fun action songs to get the kids moving, or have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen. 5. Give Yourself Grace Remember that you are a good mom. Having a bad day as a mom does not define you. You are allowed to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Everybody has bad days occasionally. Let your kids see you practice the important skill of turning a bad day into a good day. If you find yourself having bad days more frequently, make sure you make yourself a priority by taking a break and practicing self care. You cannot pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first. Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Does a smart phone have to doom kids to dumbness?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

Is it a coincidence that mobile phones are also called CELL phones, like a JAIL CELL?! If you worry that your children are doomed to be prisoners locked in a phone-sized dungeon of potentially damaging perplexities, consider a cell phone contract.

I first heard this concept back in 2009. JoAnn Hamilton, while reporting about the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, presented a Cell Phone Safe Use Agreement. The words “Safe” and “Protection” inspired me to clip that newspaper article and, when a child of mine reaches the age of 14 and shows a certain degree of responsibility, they are allowed to purchase a cell phone and pay the monthly service fee AFTER they sign this agreement:

1. My communication will be true, helpful, and kind, NEVER rude or bullying. I will never use vulgar or sexual language, and will block anyone who uses such language with me.

2. I recognize that there is no such thing as privacy with regards to the internet. Whether I intend it or not, any of my texts, images, or posts can end up anywhere in the world, whether I know it or not.

3. I acknowledge that people can use the internet to be deceptive about themselves and their intentions. It is fully impossible to know whether the people I’m communicating with are or aren’t who they say they are. For my safety, I will not share any personal information, including my date of birth, address, or specifics about places I frequent such as school, church or work.

4. My parents will have full access to my phone at any time, knowing all my passwords. They can read texts and see my social networking posts. I will respect their input and feedback about what I post. My parents will set up hours and places of use/non-use, such as not using it in a bedroom or bathroom, during school, etc. I will accept whatever consequences I earn, and will work to earn and keep the trust that my parents need to have in me.

Mama, if you’ve been harboring a prisoner of a cell phone, set them free through this contract! Print it out, read and discuss it together, sign it and post it where you can both refer to it often! Then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Inspirational Quote (Gratitude)

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

Can Eyebrows Raise Children?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

I once attended the funeral of a mother of many children even though I didn’t know her personally, but because I knew a few of her children and wanted to show my support to them. I listened intently as her daughter praised her mother’s disciplinary methods, which must have been effective considering how those of her adult children that I knew were kind, loving, solid people. The most memorable quip that I still remember several years later was:

She Raised Us with her Eyebrow

I happen to have plentiful eyebrows. I have to pluck them so they don’t grow into one big eyebrow. I’ll include a photo of myself if you promise not to covet my natural beauty.

In spite of my God-given eyebrows, I do not feel like they give me any sort of edge when it comes to raising my children… in fact, I have to watch myself and make sure these eyebrows of mine are not constantly scowling.

Aha! Maybe that’s a clue!

Maybe making sure *my* eyebrows are raised — raised in delight, or in a welcome-home smile, or gratitude… or perhaps just silly quizzical goofiness!

The more I think about it, the more I realize how important the raising of my eyebrows can be in contrast to raising my voice. Raising an eyebrow to show concern, like “Do you really want to continue making that mistake?” Raising an eyebrow of warning, “Try to think ahead about where your current actions may lead…”

I’ve decided that even though I never met that mother, I want to be like her. It seems that being at her funeral ultimately allowed me to be uplifted — or shall we say raised?! — by her eyebrows, too!

Mom, what signals are your facial expressions sending to your children? Try raising your eyebrows or the corners of your mouth more often! Then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Motherhood, a practice in Farsightedness

By Esperanza Svyeta

“Your greatest contribution to the world may not be in what you do, but someone you raise.” Andy Stanley

Sometimes the things about being a mother that are the most meaningful to you are not the things you would expect. Cards, gifts, and messages of appreciation, are wonderful and meaningful, no question. But some of the things that have meant the most to me are the late-night calls where a child calls to tell you something….

They have lost their job; the market has gone soft; and they are at risk of losing their home. Your heart breaks because you aren’t in a position to offer much financial help, and then your child says, “But we’ll get through it, Mom. We bought a giant bag of beans, and another bag of rice. We had some food set aside. Thank you for teaching me how to live poor.” Who knew that all those years we struggled to get by would be a blessing to our child?

A child called to tell me of her struggles with a child with behavioral issues, as a result of special needs, who is doing so poorly that the school is wanting to do something to make life easier for themselves, a thing which is not in the best interest of her child. Again, my heart ached, because there was not a lot I could do for her, besides listen and be supportive. They live very far away and its such a complicated process to resolve this kind of thing. Then she says, “But I knew what to do, Mom; I took him to be assessed, and then I told them they need to get him an IEP, and I told them I know they have to do something better.” I said, “Wow, how did you know how to do those things?” She told me she had watched and listened as we worked with her foster brother, and so she remembered what to do.

A child who had been struggling to find a good way to live, decided to go into the military to help build a better life. The call in the late night told of the challenges of boot camp, the demanding discipline, the hard work and myriad mundane tasks. BUT, assigned to clean bathrooms with another recruit, who was clueless and lazy, our child shone, having been taught to do chores (however reluctantly those lessons were endured.) The child who, as a child, threw tantrums over having to do the dishes said to me, “Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to work.” I was thrilled (and floored!) Who would have thought?

Photo by Chase Clark on Unsplash

Parenting With Illness

By Kandis Lake, RN, BSN

Parenting can be challenging for everyone, but parenting with a chronic or life altering illness brings a unique set of difficulties. It is important for you to accept outside support and take it easy on yourself. Realize there are many simple ways you can be an amazing parent, even if you’re not feeling up to doing many activities.

Use Outside Support

Don’t hesitate to seek and accept outside help. Get help with childcare, housework, meals, or whatever you feel in need of.

It has been found that new mothers with outside support are more optimistic about parenting. That finding could apply to any stage or situation in parenting, and it makes sense that if you’re more optimistic about something you will feel happier doing it. If you’re happier parenting, you will show up in more positive ways for your child. Because of this, accepting help will benefit not only you, but your child as well.

It could be beneficial to talk to a trusted person about your feelings surrounding your difficult circumstance. If you’re struggling to cope, you may benefit from seeing a counselor who can help you work through your emotions.

Take it Easy on Yourself

Taking care of a child is a lot of hard work. It is more consuming physically, emotionally, and mentally than any other job. Add illness on top of it, and there is no doubt a need for as much rest as possible. Let yourself rest whenever you can without feeling guilty about it.

Focus On The Ways You Can Parent Well

You may feel disappointed or feel a loss if you are unable to do active physical activities with your child. It’s okay to feel that way, but it is important to remember that your value as a parent isn’t dependent on how much or what things you do. You can love your kid and bond with them in many simple yet profound ways.

Find ways to make deep and meaningful connections with your child through spending time together. Some ways bonding can occur without expending a lot of physical energy can include snuggling on the couch, talking, reading, or drawing together.

You could take turns telling stories. Try pulling up a list of questions for your child to answer, and as a bonus, audio record them giving their answers on your phone as a form of journaling. Listen to audiobooks together (you can check them out online from the library) or a podcast with children’s stories. Color, draw, or watch movies together.

Having a secure relationship with your child will bring many benefits for both of you. Your child will have an increased feeling of stability and confidence, have resilience in difficult times, and a better ability to navigate difficult emotions. Connecting with your child will bring you joy and fulfillment amidst the difficulties of your illness.

Hugging and cuddling your child even has benefits for both of you. Hugging and cuddling causes the brain to release a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin contributes to bonding with others and has many other health benefits as well. Oxytocin has been known to decrease stress, bring blood pressure down, increase pain tolerance, and help with anxiety.

Conclusion

As a parent with a chronic or life altering illness, you deserve to go easy on yourself. Don’t hesitate to seek and accept the outside support you need, as this will benefit you and your child. Focus on all the ways you can parent well, and do those things to create meaningful connections with your child.

Sources

Crnic, K. A., Greenburg, M. T., Ragozin, A. S., Robinson, N. M., & Basham, R. B. (1983, Feb.). Effects of Stress and Social Support on Mothers and Premature and Full-Term Infants. Child Development, 54(1), 209-217. 10.2307/1129878
Uvnas-Moberg, K., & Petersson, M. (2005). Oxytocin, ein Vermittler von Antistress, Wohlbefinden, sozialer Interaktion, Wachstum und Heilung [Oxytocin, a mediator of anti-stress, well-being, social interaction, growth and healing]. Z Psychosom Med Psychother, 51(1), 57-80. 10.13109/zptm.2005.51.1.57

Kandis Lake, the author, is a professional health writer and can be found at www.healthwriterkandis.com