Council from the CouncilMoms

Stop Saying Okay, Okay?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

There’s a phrase that I like to hear as often as possible from my children…

“Okay, Mommy.”

I love to hear it because it means my child has agreed to whatever torture or punishment I have inflicted upon them… brushing teeth, for instance, or having to read a book before getting screen time. These are things that I consistently request from my children, and I love it when they decide that it’s okay.

But I also hear myself saying “Okay” often…. which may be where my kids have picked up on it. I’m glad I’ve set a good example in that sense.

However, I’m not sure I always use the word “Okay” in the right context… for example:

“We’re going to get your pajammies on now, okay?”

“Let’s go brush your teeth, okay?”

“You need to read a book BEFORE watching a movie, okay?”

What does my “Okay” in these circumstances get across to my children?

Is there really a choice in the matter? What if they’re inclined to say, “No, Mom, that’s NOT Okay,” would I rescind the request? Change my plans to fit my child’s lack of willingness to obey?

I’ve determined that I need to pay close attention to my use of the word “Okay” — and stop tacking it on the end of the instructions I’m giving.

If my “Okay” means “Do you understand?” then I need to replace it with, “Do you understand?”

I’ve been working on dropping the Okay from my instruction sentences for awhile now, and it’s a tough habit to change. I just repeat to myself: “Stop saying Okay all the time, Okay?!”

Mama, what verbal messages are you sending that you might not really want to be sending? Brainstorm some alternatives and start conscientiously enhancing your communication! Then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Photo by Tim Wildsmith on Unsplash

Five Ways to Handle a Bad Mom Day

By Samantha Allred Anyone who has spent an entire day with kids knows that it can be overwhelming and difficult. Most days are full of laughter, playing, and joy. But some days are full of tears and tantrums – all day long. On those bad days, it is easy to start down a spiral of stress and frustration and those emotions have a huge impact on our kids. That’s why it is important to know how to change your bad days into good days. Here are a few tips you can try the next time you’re having a rough day at home with the kids: 1. Get Outside! If you’re cranky, then the kids are probably cranky too. Dishes and laundry can wait for an hour while you take the kids on a walk or to the park. Let your kids run, soak up some sun, and explore. Being outside is a fantastic mood lifter. 2. Set the Timer for Ten Minutes If you are feeling overwhelmed with a to-do list a mile long, tell the kids you are setting the timer for ten minutes, invite them to help, and do everything you can before the timer goes off. Do the dishes, tidy up, switch the laundry over, take out the trash, sweep the kitchen, or whatever else is an immediate need. You will be surprised at how much you are able to accomplish in a short amount of time. When the timer goes off, stop your chores and focus on your kids. In a few hours, set the timer again. After a few ten minute sessions, hopefully you will have most of your chores done. 3.Talk to Someone Adult relationships in motherhood are so important. Talking to a friend about life can be a great stress reliever. We all require connection to thrive and it can be hard to feel connected when you only talk to tiny humans all day. Make sure you can talk to somebody about your struggles, your hobbies, your current favorite TV show, or whatever else you want! Consider joining a facebook group or a support group for mothers in your area. 4. Listen to some Mood-Boosting Music Music has been proven time and time again to distract us from fatigue and exhaustion, elevate our mood, lessen anxiety, and even improve our health. Play a favorite album, find some fun action songs to get the kids moving, or have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen. 5. Give Yourself Grace Remember that you are a good mom. Having a bad day as a mom does not define you. You are allowed to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Everybody has bad days occasionally. Let your kids see you practice the important skill of turning a bad day into a good day. If you find yourself having bad days more frequently, make sure you make yourself a priority by taking a break and practicing self care. You cannot pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first. Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Does a smart phone have to doom kids to dumbness?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

Is it a coincidence that mobile phones are also called CELL phones, like a JAIL CELL?! If you worry that your children are doomed to be prisoners locked in a phone-sized dungeon of potentially damaging perplexities, consider a cell phone contract.

I first heard this concept back in 2009. JoAnn Hamilton, while reporting about the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, presented a Cell Phone Safe Use Agreement. The words “Safe” and “Protection” inspired me to clip that newspaper article and, when a child of mine reaches the age of 14 and shows a certain degree of responsibility, they are allowed to purchase a cell phone and pay the monthly service fee AFTER they sign this agreement:

1. My communication will be true, helpful, and kind, NEVER rude or bullying. I will never use vulgar or sexual language, and will block anyone who uses such language with me.

2. I recognize that there is no such thing as privacy with regards to the internet. Whether I intend it or not, any of my texts, images, or posts can end up anywhere in the world, whether I know it or not.

3. I acknowledge that people can use the internet to be deceptive about themselves and their intentions. It is fully impossible to know whether the people I’m communicating with are or aren’t who they say they are. For my safety, I will not share any personal information, including my date of birth, address, or specifics about places I frequent such as school, church or work.

4. My parents will have full access to my phone at any time, knowing all my passwords. They can read texts and see my social networking posts. I will respect their input and feedback about what I post. My parents will set up hours and places of use/non-use, such as not using it in a bedroom or bathroom, during school, etc. I will accept whatever consequences I earn, and will work to earn and keep the trust that my parents need to have in me.

Mama, if you’ve been harboring a prisoner of a cell phone, set them free through this contract! Print it out, read and discuss it together, sign it and post it where you can both refer to it often! Then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Inspirational Quote (Gratitude)

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

Can Eyebrows Raise Children?

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Hi, I’m Regan Barnes from Momivate, and this is your two-minute Mom Tip empowering you to elevate your mothering experience.

I once attended the funeral of a mother of many children even though I didn’t know her personally, but because I knew a few of her children and wanted to show my support to them. I listened intently as her daughter praised her mother’s disciplinary methods, which must have been effective considering how those of her adult children that I knew were kind, loving, solid people. The most memorable quip that I still remember several years later was:

She Raised Us with her Eyebrow

I happen to have plentiful eyebrows. I have to pluck them so they don’t grow into one big eyebrow. I’ll include a photo of myself if you promise not to covet my natural beauty.

In spite of my God-given eyebrows, I do not feel like they give me any sort of edge when it comes to raising my children… in fact, I have to watch myself and make sure these eyebrows of mine are not constantly scowling.

Aha! Maybe that’s a clue!

Maybe making sure *my* eyebrows are raised — raised in delight, or in a welcome-home smile, or gratitude… or perhaps just silly quizzical goofiness!

The more I think about it, the more I realize how important the raising of my eyebrows can be in contrast to raising my voice. Raising an eyebrow to show concern, like “Do you really want to continue making that mistake?” Raising an eyebrow of warning, “Try to think ahead about where your current actions may lead…”

I’ve decided that even though I never met that mother, I want to be like her. It seems that being at her funeral ultimately allowed me to be uplifted — or shall we say raised?! — by her eyebrows, too!

Mom, what signals are your facial expressions sending to your children? Try raising your eyebrows or the corners of your mouth more often! Then share if this practice elevates your mothering!

Motherhood, a practice in Farsightedness

By Esperanza Svyeta

“Your greatest contribution to the world may not be in what you do, but someone you raise.” Andy Stanley

Sometimes the things about being a mother that are the most meaningful to you are not the things you would expect. Cards, gifts, and messages of appreciation, are wonderful and meaningful, no question. But some of the things that have meant the most to me are the late-night calls where a child calls to tell you something….

They have lost their job; the market has gone soft; and they are at risk of losing their home. Your heart breaks because you aren’t in a position to offer much financial help, and then your child says, “But we’ll get through it, Mom. We bought a giant bag of beans, and another bag of rice. We had some food set aside. Thank you for teaching me how to live poor.” Who knew that all those years we struggled to get by would be a blessing to our child?

A child called to tell me of her struggles with a child with behavioral issues, as a result of special needs, who is doing so poorly that the school is wanting to do something to make life easier for themselves, a thing which is not in the best interest of her child. Again, my heart ached, because there was not a lot I could do for her, besides listen and be supportive. They live very far away and its such a complicated process to resolve this kind of thing. Then she says, “But I knew what to do, Mom; I took him to be assessed, and then I told them they need to get him an IEP, and I told them I know they have to do something better.” I said, “Wow, how did you know how to do those things?” She told me she had watched and listened as we worked with her foster brother, and so she remembered what to do.

A child who had been struggling to find a good way to live, decided to go into the military to help build a better life. The call in the late night told of the challenges of boot camp, the demanding discipline, the hard work and myriad mundane tasks. BUT, assigned to clean bathrooms with another recruit, who was clueless and lazy, our child shone, having been taught to do chores (however reluctantly those lessons were endured.) The child who, as a child, threw tantrums over having to do the dishes said to me, “Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to work.” I was thrilled (and floored!) Who would have thought?

Photo by Chase Clark on Unsplash