By Samantha Allred

I have a problem with the typical narrative of motherhood. The one that tells us that everything will come so easily and effortlessly. The reality of parenthood is that it is difficult. It is often easy to doubt our abilities when it comes to making parenting decisions. We need to remember that we are not alone in these feelings of inadequacy. Hearing from other like-minded mothers who have had similar experiences can alleviate those feelings of inadequacy and provide a renewed sense of hope in the face of difficult circumstances. Below is a list of advice from experienced mothers to mothers who may be struggling with certain aspects of motherhood. 

1. “The baby doesn’t need a perfect mom, but he/she definitely needs a happy mom. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

As a perfectionist, I tend to be my own worst critic. As mothers, we need to remember that our kids don’t care if we don’t prepare magazine-worthy dinners or organize pinterest-worthy crafts. They care about spending genuine time with us and forming a strong, healthy relationship. 

2. “You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take time for self-care, prayer, and exercise.” 

Whether you are currently struggling with your newborn waking in the night, teenage attitude, or somewhere in between, all mothers can agree that motherhood requires a lot of patience. It is hard to exercise patience, when your own needs aren’t being met. Remember to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.

3. “Time spent with your kids will never be undone. Dishes, laundry, dusting, vacuuming will all be undone. It’s okay to wait on the chores to prioritize time with your child that you can never undo.” 

One evening, I put the baby down for the night and started cleaning the kitchen. My husband went outside to work on the yard and later came and told me to come out to see the sunset. I told him I would come out when I was done with dishes, but by the time I went outside, the sun had already set. This experience helped me remember that chores can wait. People and experiences are more important and it is important to prioritize those who are important to you so you don’t miss out on making memories, forming bonds, and building relationships. 

4. “Don’t compare yourself or your children to anybody else.” 

My grandma loved the well-known phrase from Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” The older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. Sometimes other moms may seem to be perfectly put together, while you feel like a slob in desperate need of a shower. Sometimes others’ kids reach milestones earlier than your kids. Sometimes other families appear to always get along with each other and never fight while you feel like a full-time referee. Guess what? All families have struggles. Don’t let comparing yourself to others steal your joy. 

5. “There is no better mom in the world for your children than YOU.” 

Your sweet kids aren’t looking for a mom with the perfect home, flawless post-baby body, or perfect craft activities. Your kids want YOU!  You are enough. You are incredible. You are just what your kids need.

Photo by Jessica Donnelly on Unsplash

Do you ever wonder if all the effort you are putting into motherhood really matters? One of the goals of Momivate is to convince you that your endeavors to raise your children is instrumental in lifting society. The Ted Talk embedded below, “Why Most Parenting Advice is Wrong,” seems to be antithetical to this foundational venture to activate moms. Please take 17 minutes to listen to this professor of neuroscience—and fellow mother—and then let’s discuss how she’s actually in agreement with Momivate at our core.

I confess that my skin crawled when this professor revealed the final conclusion of the metastudy! I’ve never considered it to be my goal that my children turn out to be just like each other—not even my identical twins! The scientists are using mismatched logic to conclude that loving parents want to simply program children like computers, dismissing the children’s innate talents, aspirations, strengths and weaknesses. 

Part of what makes motherhood so worthy and needful of our best efforts is the challenge inherent in patiently working with the individual aspects of each of our offspring. Because we love them, we’re committed to determining, through a continual, loving process of trial and error, how each child responds to various parenting “techniques” and adjusting accordingly. 

By using the illustration of a butterfly controlling a hurricane, the professor convinced me to keep listening. Butterflies are so meaningful to Momivate that they’re featured in our logo. The metamorphosis from a creepy-crawly insect to a beautiful creature of flight is symbolic of the changes Momivate wants to bring to the role of motherhood, as well as the potential our children have to transform and grow wings of their own.

Despite my initial distaste for the scientific study, I’m glad I continued to listen to this professor and notice that she never comes to the conclusion that the butterfly should NOT flap its wings . . .

Knowing that my “hurricane child” would not even exist without me is a compelling concept in the face of the overwhelming odds described. The fact that my flaps cannot determine the final outcome of the hurricane doesn’t stop me from sending winds of love with each beat of my wings. 

If my children were to sense that I chose not to guide them because too many other cultural or environmental forces seemed to overpower our (mine + my child’s) efforts, that’s when my wondrous hurricane-child’s indomitable spirit would lose its own sense of ability to change the world. We butterflies must flap—first, to create the hurricane, and then we must keep flying so the hurricane will grow in its own whirlwind of potential.

Yes, moms, there are many forces influencing our children, and we must do what we can to increase or decrease the effects of those forces as we deem necessary. We can do that best when we acknowledge that ultimately, control outside of ourselves remains impossible. Outcomes, though somewhat predictable due to patterns discovered over centuries of research and observation, simply cannot be guaranteed when it comes to parenting.

This professor’s final point about dragon parenting is incredibly potent: to love as fiercely as the winds of the hurricane, being present in each shared moment, acknowledging that time together is all we really have, so let’s make that time enjoyable for the sake of both mother and child, not because of trying to control outcomes. 

For instance, when I read a parenting book that helps me improve my listening skills with my children, I must do it for the sake of truly hearing my children, motivated only by my love for them, NOT because said book promises that the improved listening will push the right buttons and, ta-da, the end result is a robot who obeys my every command!

If I work towards goals—including becoming the kind of parent my younger self always wanted—it must be a personal struggle to fulfill my potential rather than a scheme designed to calm the destructive storm that I regard my child to be. My children’s exposure to my exertion empowers them to set goals that, in essence, funnel their hurricane power and focus it towards self-actualization. Even though there will always be myriad forces impacting them, they’ll build their own strength and wield their own power to mitigate those forces, and ultimately gain control of their ability to transform the world.

Mothers, hear out this professor’s final points and let those be what sticks with you rather than worrying about or being turned off by the “science” that she refers to at the beginning. You matter because YOU ARE THE BUTTERFLY—and every movement of your wings contributes to that hurricane child of yours, even if it doesn’t control them.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash