Motherhood, a practice in Farsightedness

Motherhood, a practice in Farsightedness

By Esperanza Svyeta

“Your greatest contribution to the world may not be in what you do, but someone you raise.” Andy Stanley

Sometimes the things about being a mother that are the most meaningful to you are not the things you would expect. Cards, gifts, and messages of appreciation, are wonderful and meaningful, no question. But some of the things that have meant the most to me are the late-night calls where a child calls to tell you something…. 

They have lost their job; the market has gone soft; and they are at risk of losing their home. Your heart breaks because you aren’t in a position to offer much financial help, and then your child says, “But we’ll get through it, Mom. We bought a giant bag of beans, and another bag of rice. We had some food set aside. Thank you for teaching me how to live poor.” Who knew that all those years we struggled to get by would be a blessing to our child?

A child called to tell me of her struggles with a child with behavioral issues, as a result of special needs, who is doing so poorly that the school is wanting to do something to make life easier for themselves, a thing which is not in the best interest of her child. Again, my heart ached, because there was not a lot I could do for her, besides listen and be supportive. They live very far away and its such a complicated process to resolve this kind of thing. Then she says, “But I knew what to do, Mom; I took him to be assessed, and then I told them they need to get him an IEP, and I told them I know they have to do something better.” I said, “Wow, how did you know how to do those things?” She told me she had watched and listened as we worked with her foster brother, and so she remembered what to do.

A child who had been struggling to find a good way to live, decided to go into the military to help build a better life. The call in the late night told of the challenges of boot camp, the demanding discipline, the hard work and myriad mundane tasks. BUT, assigned to clean bathrooms with another recruit, who was clueless and lazy, our child shone, having been taught to do chores (however reluctantly those lessons were endured.) The child who, as a child, threw tantrums over having to do the dishes said to me, “Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to work.” I was thrilled (and floored!) Who would have thought?

Photo by Chase Clark on Unsplash

Parenting With Illness

Parenting With Illness

By Kandis Lake, RN, BSN

Parenting can be challenging for everyone, but parenting with a chronic or life altering illness brings a unique set of difficulties. It is important for you to accept outside support and take it easy on yourself. Realize there are many simple ways you can be an amazing parent, even if you’re not feeling up to doing many activities.

Use Outside Support

Don’t hesitate to seek and accept outside help. Get help with childcare, housework, meals, or whatever you feel in need of. 

It has been found that new mothers with outside support are more optimistic about parenting. That finding could apply to any stage or situation in parenting, and it makes sense that if you’re more optimistic about something you will feel happier doing it. If you’re happier parenting, you will show up in more positive ways for your child. Because of this, accepting help will benefit not only you, but your child as well.

It could be beneficial to talk to a trusted person about your feelings surrounding your difficult circumstance. If you’re struggling to cope, you may benefit from seeing a counselor who can help you work through your emotions.

Take it Easy on Yourself

Taking care of a child is a lot of hard work. It is more consuming physically, emotionally, and mentally than any other job. Add illness on top of it, and there is no doubt a need for as much rest as possible. Let yourself rest whenever you can without feeling guilty about it.

 

Focus On The Ways You Can Parent Well 

You may feel disappointed or feel a loss if you are unable to do active physical activities with your child. It’s okay to feel that way, but it is important to remember that your value as a parent isn’t dependent on how much or what things you do. You can love your kid and bond with them in many simple yet profound ways.

Find ways to make deep and meaningful connections with your child through spending time together. Some ways bonding can occur without expending a lot of physical energy can include snuggling on the couch, talking, reading, or drawing together. 

You could take turns telling stories. Try pulling up a list of questions for your child to answer, and as a bonus, audio record them giving their answers on your phone as a form of journaling. Listen to audiobooks together (you can check them out online from the library) or a podcast with children’s stories. Color, draw, or watch movies together. 

Having a secure relationship with your child will bring many benefits for both of you. Your child will have an increased feeling of stability and confidence, have resilience in difficult times, and a better ability to navigate difficult emotions. Connecting with your child will bring you joy and fulfillment amidst the difficulties of your illness.

Hugging and cuddling your child even has benefits for both of you. Hugging and cuddling causes the brain to release a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin contributes to bonding with others and has many other health benefits as well. Oxytocin has been known to decrease stress, bring blood pressure down, increase pain tolerance, and help with anxiety. 

 

Conclusion

As a parent with a chronic or life altering illness, you deserve to go easy on yourself. Don’t hesitate to seek and accept the outside support you need, as this will benefit you and your child. Focus on all the ways you can parent well, and do those things to create meaningful connections with your child.

Sources

  • Crnic, K. A., Greenburg, M. T., Ragozin, A. S., Robinson, N. M., & Basham, R. B. (1983, Feb.). Effects of Stress and Social Support on Mothers and Premature and Full-Term Infants. Child Development, 54(1), 209-217. 10.2307/1129878
  • Uvnas-Moberg, K., & Petersson, M. (2005). Oxytocin, ein Vermittler von Antistress, Wohlbefinden, sozialer Interaktion, Wachstum und Heilung [Oxytocin, a mediator of anti-stress, well-being, social interaction, growth and healing]. Z Psychosom Med Psychother, 51(1), 57-80. 10.13109/zptm.2005.51.1.57

Kandis Lake, the author, is a professional health writer and can be found at www.healthwriterkandis.com

“Eat Food, Mostly Plants, Not too Much”

“Eat Food, Mostly Plants, Not too Much”

By Alana Hutchins

Have you ever wondered to yourself, What should I eat to be healthy? High-protein or low-protein? Low-fat dairy or whole milk or paleo? Whole grains or gluten free? Fruit or no fruit? High-fat or low fat? There are innumerable voices out there claiming different and even opposite messages, but the good news is, a lot of the basic diets have some common sense similarities. Michael Pollan claims, “the authority of tradition and common sense” to help us navigate this strange new eating world that has made a once simple activity into an entire field of scientific study and a multibillion dollar industry. 

We live in a bleak landscape of SAD- the Standard American Diet. The SAD is generally characterized by high intakes of red meat, processed meat, pre-packaged foods, butter, candy and sweets, fried foods, refined grains, high-fructose corn syrup, high-sugar drinks, and low intakes of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, grass-fed animal products, fish, nuts, and seeds. 

If you want to live your best and most healthful life, start to look at what God has already given you- whole plant foods. The more a food is broken down into different components and reconstructed for taste and shelf life, the less of a food it becomes and the more of a food approximation or an “edible food-like substance.” Forget the lotions and potions, powders and shakes- that’s not food, those are simply food products. If it has more than five ingredients or you don’t recognize the words in the ingredient list, then chances are, it was developed by a food scientist and not a farmer. Most of what we are consuming today is not food, and how we’re consuming it — in the car, in front of the TV, and increasingly alone — is not really eating. Many of these food facsimiles come packaged with health claims which should be our first clue they are anything but healthy.

In the so-called Western diet, food has been replaced by single nutrients, and common sense by confusion. The professionalism of nutrition, or “nutritionism”, for the past fifty years has made America anything but healthier, quite the opposite. Americans are sicker and fatter than ever. This belief system assumes that the key to understanding food is the single nutrient, disregarding the fact that natural foods are a symphony of complex compounds and chemicals that science has yet to all discover, never mind understand how they act in concert with one another. Layer on top of that the complexities of a traditional diet, and trying to sell health as a single macronutrient (think “High-Protein) is laughable. 

The real food, the food your great grandmother would recognize as food, sits quietly on the perimeter of the grocery stores, with its naturally bright coloring and unassuming packaging. I can hear you saying now, but what about protein shakes and power bars- those are healthy right? “Good” for you food is a spectrum and a power bar might be better than a bag of chips, but your safest bet is nuts and a piece of whole fruit as a healthy go-to snack. 

In other words, try to eat a Whole Foods, Plant based diet. Think beans, legumes, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Potatoes with the skins on, lentil curry, fresh salads with olive oil and vinegar, hummus with crudités. No more counting calories, or grams, or desperately trying to remember the difference between Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids. Vitamin supplements just turn into expensive urine and they are in NO WAY a substitute for fruits and vegetables. Consuming a diet rich in whole plant foods is the best way to avoid chronic diseases in the future including diabetes, obesity, heart disease, cancer and even autoimmune diseases. Eating does not have to be complicated, simple is usually best, but it will take more time to plan ahead and prepare than just grabbing a Cliff bar or downing an energy shake. A landmark study known as the China Project, combined with laboratory findings—conclusively demonstrated the dangers of a diet high in animal protein and the amazing health benefits of a whole food, plant-based diet. You say, yeah I’d like to be healthy but I’m not going vegan, that’s just too hard! Life can get crazy, so if you are hitting your whole-foods plant-based diet 80-90% of the time, you are doing awesome and keep up the good work! You will receive 80-90% of the benefits.

You might also say, yeah but I still have baby weight I want to lose and all the sources I read say to eat a diet low in “carbs” and high in protein. Isn’t losing weight healthy? This approach to weight loss, based on the ketogenic effect, or keto diets for short, involves cutting way back on carbohydrates, to 50 grams a day or less, to help the body achieve a state of ketosis, in which it has to burn fat (rather than sugar) for energy. This diet, like most diets, does work to help control weight gain and even induce weight loss in the short term, but it is hard to stick with long term. Most people will regain a lot of the weight they lost as soon as they go back on carbs. It is an issue with any fad diet, but it seems to be extra common with ketosis. Stop looking at short term effects rather than your long term goals of remaining healthy over a life span and look twenty years down the road to a life free of heart-disease and cancer. There are other dangerous side effects that can come from approaching the keto diet the wrong way including fatigue, decreased performance, head-aches, diarrhea, and even halitosis (bad breath.) Think of meat as a side dish or garnish, rather than the principal component of the meal. 

When you are in the supermarket try to avoid food products containing ingredients that are unfamiliar, unpronounceable, more than five in number, or include high-fructose corn syrup. For that matter, all diets out there pretty much agree that sugars, including corn syrup and high-fructose corn syrup, are unnecessary foods and should be reduced as much as possible or eliminated completely. 

Unfortunately there is one fairly obvious problem with all this advice: Americans don’t primarily eat food that comes in a box with a long list of “health claims” because we actually think it is healthier than a home-cooked meal. We do so because it is convenient, often cheaper, and we are addicted to high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and saturated fat laced in almost every food product. There is no silver bullet for changing our lifestyles and improving our health. It takes commitment, a dedication of monetary resources, hard work, and a certain amount of self-denial. On the upside though, measure that against reclaiming the pleasures of eating real foods, becoming your healthiest and most energetic self, and taking control of your own table.

Photo by Rachel Park on Unsplash

SOURCES CITED:

  • In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan, 2008
  • The China Study by T. Colin Campbell and his son, Thomas M. Campbell II, 2004
TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN

TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN

Financial stability is a goal we must continually keep in our sights. Even if we attain it once, it is a bit like the horizon, always out there for us to keep working towards, recommitting to the principles that keep us on the path. Like footsteps one after another, here are three steps that we just keep repeating anytime we receive income and must decide upon the outgo:

  • Pay it forward first (donations to causes you deem worthy! Tithing and generosity affect more than our wallets — our very character)
  • Pay your future self (savings),
  • Pay stores: for needs first, then wants. SPEND WISELY.

Be willing to sacrifice for the sake of stability. Realize that peace of mind is priceless.

Knowing that you can pay for the flat tire,  stitches or broken window brings peace that you know you can pay for the expense without touching your monthly budget.

Develop the attitude that less really can be more. Simplify! Embrace the concept of ENOUGH.  

Work together to make things work: Value ALL the work necessary to make a family successful, whether or not it brings in financial income. 

When  A child is learning they may attempt to put the round block in the square hole, or the square block in the triangle hole.  They may become frustrated and believe it won’t work.  As they observe you putting the right block in the right hole they desire to model after you.   They try and try until they begin to recognize and understand the shape matches the hole it fits into.  We too believe things won’t work until our perspective becomes clearer.  As we learn from others we too can see more clearly how that budgeting is like fitting the right piece in the right place.  It too can work for us.

Pay God first (tithing).

A common phrase we all have maybe thought or heard from others “ I can not afford it”  “There is not enough money”  

As you do your best to make ends meet sometimes it doesn’t seem to be enough.  Many people go year to year living paycheck to paycheck.  When writing your budget many times the total ends with a negative balance. .  You are not alone and this is a very common lifestyle for many.

It has taken me many years to change my understanding of how to manage the outgo of our family finance. 

 We are right when we pay the bills first that leaves nothing left for God.  

We think about our temporal needs first.  We need shelter, food and clothes so that goes to the top of our list.  No one wants to go hungry, naked or be out in the cold.  So it is natural to rationalize why that would be our first expenses. 

When we take a step back and recognize that our source of temporal needs come from the earth.  Who created the earth?  Who provided the means to have food at our table, Clothes to be made from the earth also from animals and our homes are made from the very earth substance to provide our shelter.  Our creator made all things possible through all he has blessed this earth with.  

I would like to use the example in the personal finances self reliance manual page.41( The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

In our possession we have sand, a big rock, pebbles and a glass jar.

If we took the empty jar and filled it with sand half way then tried to place in it the bigger rock and a few pebbles we would find it difficult to fit it all in the jar.  This is the most common way we arrange our budget

But what if we put the bigger rock first and the pebbles then poured in the sand you will find that everything could fit in the jar. 

As we take into account that all we have comes from God.  He knows our needs before we do and he will provide us with the means as we put him first into our lives.  Spiritual and Temporal.

Let us Rearrange our financial priorities – Put God first by listing him at the top of your budget giving back to him.10 percent 

Take the Challenge and Put God first.  

Example:

  • Income: 1000
  • Rent – $300
  • Utilities – $150
  • Groceries- $200
  • Dentist-CC $150
  • Clothes-CC $100
  • Car Repairs- $50
  • Gas- $50
  • Total- $1,000

Example:

  • Income- $1,000
  • Tithing- $100
  • Save- $100
  • Rent $300
  • Utilities- $150
  • Groceries $200
  • Gas- $50
  • Car- $100

Take a look at the second budget:  we have an added line for Save. Paying yourself is like adding the pebbles in the jar.   You allocate that toward expenses ahead.  Doctor visits, vacations, surprises that you don’t expect.  It is less of a stress when you are prepared than wondering where it will come from.  Also if you don’t have a car payment set the car money aside for car repairs, oil changes and insurance.  

Being Prepared is best.

After learning about paying God and paying ourselves we became more financially self sufficient.

We set up various accounts: 

 Hsa if your job offers it.  Takes out money before taxes and is allocated for health care expenses.  

Car Expenses – Insurance, repairs, tires, also new car if needed

Family Vacation – Trips, outings, family time

Home Expense – The unexpected expenses, Utilities, insurance, 

 

Create accounts that meet your needs. 

After you access your needs, pay them next and make sure you are spending your income wisely.  

Rent, Utilities, food, gas and clothing when setting up your budget.  Make sure you keep to your needs.  Wants will fall into place later when your savings allow for such purchases. 

IF we do not take the time to pay ourselves we start feeling left out and when an emotional roller coaster comes we make rash decisions.  One is eating out when stressed, shopping spree and other impulse buying.  If you have your budget allocated with a purpose. This can help you spend wisely the income you worked so hard to get. 

Our family has a list of places to go where it is free.  Hiking in the mountains, bike riding trails around the city, Parks, and Taking walks in the neighborhood.

Libraries can be fun places to visit. Also 

Budgets come in all shapes and sizes.  What works for one person will not especially work for another. We also find that our life situations change. We add children that increase the needs and as they grow older and leave the home your budget needs may decrease.   You also may have medical needs (Mental, Physical) So what Budget is right for you?  As we explore a variety of styles of budget remember that it takes time to achieve the desired results. 

Photo by Richard on Unsplash

Tips to Survive & Thrive – For Mothers of Newborns

Tips to Survive & Thrive – For Mothers of Newborns

By Annette T. Durfee

You have waited and waited AND (have I mentioned?) WAITED for this day!  Nine months – give or take –  and now, couldn’t you just stare hour after hour, at this little bundle of joy?   Can you even believe it?  Your thoughts have centered around this little one almost every minute of every day.  And – phew! After discovering why it’s called “labor!”  the baby has (FINALLY) arrived!  Way to go Mom! 

Having crossed the finish line, you now experience the newfound joy of cradling your baby in your arms versus your tummy! The sheer wonder of a new life placed in your arms fills you with anticipation of your life together. Caressing that sweet downy soft head. Kissing each tender tiny toe and marveling as you trace those little eyes, nose, lips, ears, which you longed to see.  Those mini-fingers wrapping their adorable frailty and dependence around your soul. 

Wonder and joy sit side by side with the exact opposite – nagging feelings of exhaustion, inexperience, frustration. The discomforts of pregnancy are now replaced by new ones: Cesarean or episiotomy wounds. Baby blues. Tired… SO tired. As much as we want to enjoy this experience into Mommyhood, we instantly realize that it isn’t going to be a piece of cake!

So please remember to be kind to yourself.

You are a walking miracle maker and now is the time to take good care of you. A time to heal. A time to take it easy. A time to be good to that number one Mommy. 

Survival mode –  Just as you finish doing the dishes and laundry, another load is calling your name. How is it possible to keep up with the many demands on your time and energy?  Remember that at these times, you and your baby’s needs come first. It is clearly time for Survival mode.  We’re talking basics here.  The goal is not to have a spotless house, but to “love on” your children.  If I can get the dishes tidied up once a day, a batch of laundry running, and maybe even a garbage taken out, I feel accomplished. Or better yet, use paper plates and cups. Save the environment later, when you have more time and energy!

Savor the moment – As with each stage in the life of children, I have found over and over again that with a new baby, there are both really hard things and really beautiful things – things that will never happen again: The sound of the newborn cry, the darling startle reflex, peeling skin, the smell of their neck nestled into yours, their first bath, their tiny toes.  You may want to jot down notes about firsts, funny things they do, milestones, and your feelings.  Capture the moment with frequent snapshots. There will be plenty of time for scrapbooking later if that’s a priority for you, but for now, just share them with friends and family so you can rejoice together!

Sleep – You know the saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”  Sister, it’s so true!  The whole world looks like a friendlier place when you are rested. So toss out all the old important TO DOs on your list.  Now is the time for a new list, and loving yourself enough to get some sleep is at the top of that list.  If there is a choice between getting something done and getting some sleep, choose sleep.  I know that this is not easily accomplished.  So, for starters, sleep when the baby sleeps. Yes, this is harder to do once you have more than one child, so don’t be shy in asking for help from a friend or family member.  Also, with a little know-how and practice, you can train your child to sleep.  They’re going to have to learn how to do it on their own sometime anyway.  Don’t be that mom that wished she had learned about sleep sooner, but alas, she was too tired!  Two excellent resources on this topic are: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, M.D., and The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.

Time away – Let’s face it – Sometimes being a mom is just plain lonely.  You spend many quiet hours, even in the middle of the night, rocking, feeding, cuddling, soothing.  All good things, right?  But the overall effect can be draining if you don’t get a little time for yourself.  Remember that as much as you love your baby, it is good to “baby” yourself sometimes, Mama!  What does that look like?  A weekly date night!  Time with a friend on the phone or in person.  An hour or two for personal time to shower, read, relax, or even take a nap.  A walk around the block for a little fresh air and movement.  Mommy is a person too and someone has to take time to “mother” her. So schedule in a little time for yourself each day.  Think of it as a time to rejuvenate rather than a selfish action, because dear, it is anything but selfish. You will come back energized and excited to spread a little love and sunshine in your children’s lives.  And besides that, you are worth it!

Photo by Sergiu Vălenaș on Unsplash